The Contestants |
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The Breakdown |
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Advantages
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Disadvantages
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Kills
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Kills
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How we think the fight will go
Agrajag, a large, crazed bat, had the singular misfortune of encountering Arthur Dent in every single one of his lives, only to find himself murdered in some strange way by the oblivious earthman. Cursed with memories of his past lives, Agrajag became obsessed with finally putting an end to all this nonsense by murdering his murderer, and so through the use of an obscure time-space warp technology far too complicated and sciency to go into here, he programs the multi-armed, bladed killing machine known only as the Shrike to do the deed.
With that task, the Shrike finds Dent on the remote planet of Lamuella. The robot sizes up the rather mundane human before beginning his bloody work.
Dent, known locally as the Sandwich Maker, is confused by the presence of this bladed robot, given that he and the Tool Maker had just the other day been discussing how swell it would be if robots could be designed to adequately slice Perfectly Normal Beast for a nice sandwich. Several sandwiches later, however, Arthur Dent begins to realize he may have been mistaken about the purpose of this particular robot. Indeed, as the Shrike starts flashing in and out of time around the hapless earthman, Dent indeed realizes that this may in fact be “the end” that he had thought would come on so many previous occasions.
But both he and the Shrike had not reckoned with the power of the Babelfish located in Dent’s ear.
Said Babelfish, gifted with the self-preserving power to shift sideways through probability, simply moves Arthur to another universe. Possessing the same ability, the Shrike follows. On and on this chase goes, until the Babelfish ultimately lures the Shrike to the end of the universe, which is a time/space he is simply unable to escape.
The robot Shrike then has to wait for the next universe to begin, which takes so long that all of his pointy bits wear down, replacing his intimidating presence with a sour disposition. By the time he encounters the earthman Arthur Dent again, all that is left of his homicidal inclination is a desire to annoy Dent. His name having been softened by the passage of time as well, Marvin proceeds to do exactly that for quite some time.
His attempt thwarted, Agrajag decides that his best course of action would be to simply avoid the earthman. A few days later, he finds himself one moment pleasantly as far away from Dent as possible, the next moment hurtling past the Heart of Gold, improbably turned into a bowl of petunias.
Predicted Winner: Arthur Dent
The Shrike is a character from Dan Simmon’s Hyperion series; Arthur Dent is a character from Douglas Adams’s Hitchhiker’s series.
The Shrike image courtesy of Francois Baranger. Arthur Dent image courtesy of Touchstone Pictures
In a fight, the Shrike.
I would have added that Arthur Dent also has access to an improbability drive starship, which is a pretty powerful advantage in any match-up.
The guides entry on “the Shrike”
We advise you to stay clear of the Skrike of Hyperion at all cost.
If confronted by the Shrike of Hyperion do one of the following things:
1. Hide under your towel and wish your grandfather were never borne.
2. Pray to whatever god you are partial to, that he will slice you into snadwichthin slices at once, instead of offering a prolonged vacation at the “three-of-thorns”-vacation resort.
3. Hope against hope that your name is Arthur Dent, and you defeat him in some insanely improbable way.
I bet the administrators had a good laugh when this pairing came up. If any of the warriors had come up against the Shrike, people would just compare Brawn vs. Brawn and it would have been a boring match. Arthur Dent is the perfect opponent for a timetravelling killbot.
I was thinking for some time on this and…
Nah, the Shrike will chop him up : p
Though Arthur will probably come back to life for some incredibly impossible reason, or because it goes with the flow(”Mr. Dent, we are sorry to inform you that there has been a mistake regarding your premature death. It was decided that Arthur Dent may not die by extra dimensional influence invoked by a third party. We apologize for the inconvenience, please hang on.”). Still, Shrike wins.
okay seriously? the shrike is essentially invulnerable, and even if you do kill him there are more to come from the end of time….
But Arthur’s been to the end of time, seen the end of the Universe, and then walked away unscathed. Interesting restaurants and night life out there though, and the food is just begging to be eaten.
I’m so disappointed that this is even close.
It’s the Shrike people… the freakin’ Shrike!!
If Dent gets past this round, there’s no excuse for him not winning it all.
Dent is the only person in the Universe that could hope to defeat the Shrike. Against anyone or anything else, the Shrike would win every time, and this contest may as well end right now. But the shear improbability of Dent winning is why he inevitably would.
Which means that he is now the favorite to win the whole damn thing.
Kind of a funny match-up. There’s obviously no reason Arthur should ever win this fight; the odds are so ridiculously far against him, it would require another phone number to balance it out!
Arthur Dent is incapable of doing anything, except standing bewildered while the Shrike inexplicably shorts out and falls over. (Actually, its warranty is up, and Sirius Cybernetics Corporation designed it to fail at that point so the owner would be forced to buy the new model). I guarantee that’s exactly what would happen.
The shrike has the obvious martial advantage, but Arthur Dent is protected by the inviolable power of being A Protagonist.
I’m going with Dave on this one.
Once again, the Sirius Cybernetic Corporation’s superficial design flaws completely mask their fundamental design flaws which cause the Shrike to have a complete personality breakdown as it hones in on Arthur Dent. The Shrike turns it’s attentions to flower arranging, with it’s multi-bladed attachments perfect for pruning, picking off pesky insects, and convincing the judges at the local county fair that it deserves first place for it’s artfully arranged broken bowl of Petunias that it spent months putting back together.
The SCC sent out a backup unit, which was promptly picked up by a flying party where he was put to use at the bar slicing olives and limes.
Another unit was commissioned, but it took a wrong turn and ended up face to face with Zaphod Beeblebrox, who promptly spilled a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster on it with predictable results. By predictable results, I mean “Zaphod ripped the Shrike apart with his bare hands to get every last drop of his precious drink out of the robot’s innards.”
It should be obvious by now, that Arthur Dent is protected by the power of the Deus ex Machina. The most powerful force in the literary universe. Nothing can harm a protaganist protected by this power, no villain can prevail against it’s judgement. (George R. R. Martin’s novel’s are of course the exception)
I will leave you with one last quote from the most cliched movie of all time demonstrating the power of Deus ex Machina…
Bob Barber: Ever faced another good guy before?
Rex O’Herlihan: Nope.
Bob Barber: Me neither.
Rex O’Herlihan: Kinda makes you wonder what’ll happen.
Bob Barber: I figure the good guy’ll win, just like always.
Rex O’Herlihan: Yeah, except we’re both good guys.
Bob Barber: Then I figure the most good good guy will win.
Rex O’Herlihan: That’s how I figure, too.
Bob Barber: Yep.
It doesn’t matter so much how it happens, and Arthur will not necessarily destroy The Shrike, but The Shrike will fail to kill Arthur simply because Arthur cannot die until he visits Stavromeula Beta, which is not a known planet in any universe.
I just can’t get past the “Inexplicable defiance of death” part.
C’mon! I love A.D., hes a great character…but in a fight hes more likely to wet himself than do anything useful. The Shrike is the baddest thing in the universe. I can’t believe this is even close- are we voting on the silly scale- because if we are, we’re going to have AD as champion- which kinda makes the whole tournament just another excerise in how clever we think we all are.
Arthur Dent has plotarmor x infinity. You just _can’t_ beat that.
The number one seed against the number 32 seed?
Check
An essentially all powerful time traveling robot against a mostly harmless towel carrying human?
Check
An upset waiting to happen?
Check
Dent for sure. For the sheer improbability of it all!
……………?
How is this even close?
If The Shrike doesn’t end up winning this, then I think it’s unfortunately clear that the entire Cage Match experiment will ultimately be doomed by similar nonsense.
If it is “determined” that Arthur will prevail, then all the other combatants may as well just put down their swords & staffs, wands & whatnot, and anoint him right now.
There’s a reason, or more accurately a sequence of reasons, why he was seeded #32.
Disappointing, to say the least.
…seems obvious that many, many more of the voters have read Douglas Adams than have read Hyperion. Clearly folks are just voting for the dude with whom they’re familiar.
Too bad. Especially for those of us who were looking forward to the much more interesting matchup of The Shrike vs. Ged, or ultimately a similarly dominant and qualified opponent like Al’Thor.
No. NO! If we set a precedent here, Adams’s goofballery will just keep marching through this tournament. How are we supposed to have a logical debate when one character’s whole thing is that he’s just random crap out of Douglas Adams’s ass, handed to us still steaming?
Gah! I can see it now. “But suddenly, Aragorn was a hedgehog”. Predicted winner: Arthur Dent. “However, Cthulu suddenly remembered that he had an urgent appointment at a pizza parlor and stepped out the airlock”. Predicted winner: Arthur Dent.
THIS MUST BE STOPPED HERE.
No. NO! If we set a precedent here, Adams’s goofballery will just keep marching through this tournament. How are we supposed to have a logical debate when one character’s whole thing is that he’s just random crap out of Douglas Adams’s ass, handed to us still steaming?
Gah! I can see it now. “But suddenly, Aragorn was a hedgehog”. Predicted winner: Arthur Dent. “However, Cthulu suddenly remembered that he had an urgent appointment at a pizza parlor and stepped out the airlock”. Predicted winner: Arthur Dent.
THIS MUST BE STOPPED HERE.
/concur
Ok, even in a “cage fight” i’ll give this one to Arthur Dent. this is how it goes down.
Arthur dent appears in his corner, to lackluster applause.
The Shrike appears in his corner to roars and shouts.
Arthur dent freaks out and tries to turn and run, merely running into one corner of the cage, which, improbably, causes the cage to topple.
The shrike becomes inextricably entwined at 42 locations with the chain link, giving arthur dent the effective KO
Arthur Dent wins because he is 42 times more interesting than an indestructible killing machine. Nobody likes the “god” character, hence the “god” character is losing.
I’m sure those of us voting for AD realize that he would stand zero chance against the Shrike in a fist-fight, but AD just does not die. In addition, indestructible killing machines were made to be destructed.
Heh.
Voted for Dent ’cause this is just the kind of matchup that would work in his favor. Arthur Dent probably wouldn’t beat Hermione Granger, but something like the Shrike… that’s the kind of opponent he works inexplicably well against.
“I’m sure those of us voting for AD realize that he would stand zero chance against the Shrike in a fist-fight, but AD just does not die.”
QFT
the late dentarthurdent tried to program the shrike to make a cup of tea. the shrike handed him something that tastes similar to but does not quite taste like tea. dent died from sheer frustration the end
“Nobody likes the ‘god’ character, hence the “god” character is losing.”
*Ahem* Strike that… reverse it.
You can’t stop the Cult of The Shrike Church.
Quite how Arthur managed not to be seeded #42 amazes. Regardless of there being less than 42 combatants.
Dent should win because this is what he does: he triumphs wherever he has absolutely no chance. Against other characters that aren’t pure killing machines, I would probably give them the victory. Dent can be defeated; it just takes more creativity than slicing him to ribbons with sharp and pointy objects.
order and cHaos
ZOMG! What a turn around!
Yay Shrike!
@ Bill and scurveymic and all other Shrike lovers:
If Dent is stopped here, then all we will have is a bunch of god/god-like figures in the final four.
I mean honestly I can’t imagine a more boring final four than Cthulu, Shrike, Aslan and Gandalf/Rand Al’Thor.
Dent puts the fun in things!
(aside: I have read both hitchhikers guide and the Hyperion books, this is not an argument from popularity)
Dent wins because his towel has been places you don’t want to imagine. Shrike is affected by completely improbable unstoppable instantaneous rust and collapses into so much scrap iron before he can do anything of note.
“Dent puts the fun in things!”
So drum up some Dent votes then. Shrike fans worked hard though the night to make this fight. I’m just glad that oneof these matches is coming down to the wire.
It is highly improbable that Arthur Dent will win. Therefore, obviously, he will.
@FK
I love Arthur Dent. I love Adams. I love the trilogy and beyond. But this isn’t about loving those characters. Its about who would win in a cage fight- the title of this little creative excersize.
I posit that anyone who really considers AD as victor in this match is thinking more about how ‘fun’ and ‘clever’ it would be if he won. That’s fine! I respect that, but cage matches to the death are neither fun, nor clever. They are ugly, brutall things of pure violence and lots of blood.
I can empathize with your desire for humor here- but this isn’t a silly-off, its a death match. Can you honestly say that AD would defeat the shrike in that particular arena?
Ugh. Epic fail. Now it is just Cthulu and Shrike in the final. BOOOOORRRRRING. God like characters are about a interesting as the last half of WoT.
Arthur Dent was the only person on the board who’s victory over either of the top seeds made sense, and now he’s gone. Gone, I tell you!
*cries like a baby*
I have to agree, against all the unholy unstoppable superpowerhouses Dent wins, if he should meet Conan or Jaime Lannister he would be toast, because, overwhelming cosmic threats are the kind of thing his powers work against
Cry in your towels Dent fans.
Besides… there’s no crying in Cage Match. ;-]
Wow, this thing is still neck and neck?
How long does this round go on for?
Also, does it bother anyone else that twiigs uses the floor function to calculate the percentages?
Do want finer granularity pls, kthnxbai!
Lord Nabu nails it, I think.
Put Arthur Dent up against any halfway reasonable opposition for an ordinary Englishman, and he’ll get his ass handed to him.
Put Arthur up against insanely unreasonable opposition for any human being who ever lived, and somehow or other he’ll come out of it victorious.
It’s a pity he doesn’t go up against Cthulhu next.
The voting for the first batch (the ones that went up on Monday) closes tomorrow. So get your votes in!
Thanks dpomerico.
Is there a place where they list when each round will begin and end?
Voted for Arthur simply because his survival is extremely improbable, and that always works well on him.
There’s no list, per se, but if you go to the bracket (http://wp.suvudu.com/cagematch.html?ref=TextLink_Top), the first two divisions end tomorrow, and the second two divisions end on Sunday.
Then, the winners of the first two divisions will go up on Monday, and the winners of the second two divisions will go up Wednesday–and so on until we get to the final two.
Excellent. I appreciate it.
Dent. He cannot die until he has been to Stravio Muller Beta.
Both have an equal potential of dying in this match, based on either practical invulnerability, or inexplicable luck. The thing to keep in mind is that, despite the battle, both would– more likely than not– come back. The Shrike is just a pure fighting force that keeps coming back, and nico summed up AD’s death perfectly: “Mr. Dent, we are sorry to inform you that there has been a mistake regarding your premature death. It was decided that Arthur Dent may not die by extra dimensional influence invoked by a third party. We apologize for the inconvenience, please hang on.”
Ha–Lord Nabu nailed it. It’s funny to think about actually: if Arthur, the man currently giving the Shrike an unholy run for its life and money, were facing off against Lyra “Silvertongue” Belacqua, he’d probably receive a beat-down.
Oh well, unless the tide turns again, it looks as though the sandwich-maker is heading for the great abyss. At least, this particular instance of the sandwich maker in the particular dimension, and so on and so on.
…or at least until…oh, I won’t spoil it for ya.
Come on! Dent wins this thing for it’s sheer improbability! My Money’s on Dent vs. Cthulu for the finals… sure, Dent goes “Insane” during the fight but afterwards, the universe will finally make sense!