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As Lyra stands on a cliff overlooking the ocean, a vast shadow begins to rise from the deep. Her hair whipping around her face, she raises the alethiometer, its dials spinning frantically as she tries to make a reading, any reading, about what will happen… but for once, the compass is useless. Pantalaimon whimpers from her coat pocket as the shadow swells, becoming first the size of a great ship, and then a mountain; and then a great wave reaches the shore, smashing the cliff face like a fist and sending fifty feet of rock tumbling into the water. Lyra’s eyes widen, and she looks up, and up, and up, and the Elder One opens its own eyes and fixes her with its ancient gaze from beyond the stars of any world she has known. Lyra drops to her knees and begins to weep as Pantalaimon writhes, withers, and collapses. Cthulhu is no longer fhtagn.
And then Cthulhu steps on her head.
Predicted Winner: Cthulhu
(Cthulhu is a character from the myriad writings of H. P. Lovecraft; Lyra Belacqua is a character from Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials trilogy.)
I can only assume that votes are being cast for Lyra humorously, since Cthulhu could take every other contestant in this whole shindig combined and not really even notice that they’re there.
I actually got goosebumps reading how the fight might go, just from imagining Cthulhu…
THE CASE FOR LYRA
Okay, just hear me out on this one before you vote.
Obviously, we’re not talking about power vs. power. Cthulhu is an immortal primordial force, and nobody in this contest is equal to it in power. We all know the outcome of a straight-up “fight.”
Meaning Lyra has as much chance as anyone. That is to say, “none at all.”
But she has a somewhat better chance of taking care of Cthulhu the only way that it really can be done–with information. Guided by the alethiometer, Lyra has a reasonable shot at finding whatever Elder Sign or great seal or what have you that can keep Cthulhu dormant. I think that’s just the sort of quest she’d be good at. Combat power is no help against Cthulhu. Wits, information, and bravery are what give you a chance.
I say all this because to me, nothing would be as predictable and frankly boring as watching Cthulhu work its way up the ranks to the chorus of “Cthulhu is the Most Powerful!” Where’s the fun in such a pre-ordained outcome?
@ Grayson Towler:
That’s a pretty good idea right there.
But we all knew how this was going to go as soon as Cthulhu was put into this tournament. Once Cthulhu actually comes awake – once he is finished dying and then death dies – no combination of old magic or the Elder Sign wouldd be able to stop him. I don’t think Azathoth would be able to stop him at that point, if we go by Lovecraft’s original writings instead of the expanded mythos.
Boring? Yeah. Yeah, it kind of is. Would have been more interesting if they had just included a certain someone from The Dunwich Horror.
But they didn’t, so we’ve got Cthulhu. And Cthulhu goes all the way.
Poor Lyra not a lucky first draw
I’m just looking forward to seeing The Big C take out that stupid lion.
Actually…I’m going with Grayson here. Lyra is (shockingly) really the best opponent for Cthulhu, aside from maybe Rand al’Thor or Aslan.
The alethiometer is a powerful weapon against a mystical being like Cthulhu, and let’s face it, all Belacqua DOES is screw over more powerful adversaries (including a self-proclaimed god, once, one could argue).
Also, again, my vote goes to Lyra because I honestly think she’s make for a better tournament. Otherwise, we’ll end up with Cthulhu versus Aslan in the end, one God against another, duking it out, boom boom. Yawn.
Weird thing? Lyra might actually be able to get the better of Aslan too, once again because she wouldn’t use main force. Of course, she’s screwed if she meets someone the alethiometer or her girlish dimples couldn’t sway (e.g. the Shrike, Jaime Lannister, Roland Deschain), but I still think that she deserves to go further in this tournament.
My vote goes to Belacqua.
Okay I get now that people are voting for Lyra because Cthulhu is boring as a contestant (which is true).
But what in the world would the alethiometer do to Cthulhu, exactly? I haven’t…. I haven’t read any Philip Pullman.
*Gasp*
Well, really…no clue. This is all based on the assumption that there is any way, in heaven or earth, that Cthulhu might conceivably ever lose, whether it’s some mystical banishing ritual, something (anything!) that would affect him psychologically, whatever.
The alethiometer would give Belacqua that information in seconds. And while Cthulhu is all but invulnerable, he’s also so huge that if she hid and ran long enough, he probably wouldn’t be able to get at her.
Also a good plan! That is a good way to look at it. He probably would not notice her at all.
But when Cthulhu wakes up he’s kind of destined to devour the entire universe.
I just
I don’t see any way around it.
If you are reading this, I am dead and was not able to stop the Nameless Horror from beyond time and space. I set out with a group of fellow paranormal investigators from Miskatonic University to investigate a cult dedicated to using the internet to gain world dominion for their dark masters. All my friends are either dead or have gone insane due to the things we’ve uncovered along the way, and I have made it as far as the server room this “contest” is being run from. I should have known just getting to this room would not be the end… I can hear cultists chanting outside the barricaded door and now… for the love to all that’s holy… the servers are sprouting sickly green wet tentacles! They are reaching to me, knowing without eyes my very movements! This is no game but a way to dupe thousands into worshipping Cthulhu… and the only way to stop the madness is to vote against…sedg;OWEHBB;EKBW;’KLTGB’W[’SLOgfkls’nhslkfdhn
Let’s put things this way:
Lyra kills God. Unambiguously, God dies and Lyra did it.
For anyone who’s played Scribblenauts, we know that if you put God against Cthulhu, God wins that fight. (Cthulhu needs a shotgun to even stand a chance.) Therefore, God > Cthulhu.
But by our earlier logic, Lyra > God. Therefore Lyra > Cthulhu.
So how do you vote otherwise?
I’m voting against Cthulu because I’m so bloody tired of Cthulu name-dropping. Every loudmouth, greasy dude in a black duster brings him into any conversation edging into fantasy like it’s some hipster-dork badge of honor to have read their Lovecraft, but all they ever say is “Cthulu would just eat (insert name)’s face!”
Personal bias much? Certainly. But if that’s the crew Cthulu brings to this fight, he loses by default.
Sorry. Pet peeve of mine.
Hm…well (weak argument)…Lyra does tend to skip through different universes a lot.
Yeah, I dunno.
I DO see a way around this, though, and it is…
Don’t vote for the squid dude.
Otherwise, it’ll just keep going like this, force against force, and Cthulhu and Aslan will be the last two competitors. Then Aslan will crush Cthulhu, and that’ll be it.
*Jesus winks slyly at the camera, and the Mormon Tabernacle choir erupts into Hallelujahs*
I…honestly don’t want to see things go that way. Introducing a boring-ass god (come on, nerds, he really is) into this tournament wasn’t a great idea to start out with, but now he’s here…
*Whispers* Let’s get rid of him. Humans are GOOD at killing gods.
He’s not boring!
It’s jsut that putting him into a “tournament” where people from fiction fight each other is immensely imbalanced and very, very, very stupid. He functions great in the context of the stories which involve him (of which he has become the subject of too much attention, alas).
And odn’t worry! Cthulhu and Aslan will probably face off in the semi-finals! So…. so the end will probably be Cthulhu vs. Gandalf.
….
….I think I see what you mean.
It is a bit like The Shrike vs. Arthur Dent fight.
If it was just a question of raw force the Shrike and Cthulhu would win.
But some contenders have other strengths. And as has been mentioned, going on a quest for an ancient an powerful godkilling artifact is just the kind of thing Lyra does best.
I still voted for Cthulhu. But Lyra would stand a chance. The arguments for the underdog, ahowing of your geeking skills is the most fun part of this kind of tournament.
Sadly, Lyra is actually one of the only Godkillers, in the field.
Guess Raestlin has also killed uber powerful evil gods before.
And of course Aslan could possibly take him with brute force.
…and cthulu steps on her head…the most accurately portrayed fight i’ve read so far.
By virtue of magic every wizards on the list technically have a way to seal Chtulhu away. For myself I believe that Rand Al Thor would be the best candidate to defeat Chtulhu or at least reseal him away. There is no limit to his power and he’s already mad. he would unleash all he has, destroy the world and be reborn again.
This being said, this will likely end up being a popularity contest and in fiction anything can happen. If the current votes hold I’m so voting for Jaime Lannister against Cthulu on round 2!
This being said, this will likely end up being a popularity contest and in fiction anything can happen. If the current votes hold I’m so voting for Jaime Lannister against Cthulu on round 2!
/agrees fervently
Against anyone else, else of these champions would lead to predictable ends.
But Lyra has got to have like +15 against gods, right? It’s the only reason to even have her around.
Hey, if anyone can stop Cthulhu its Conan. He has killed off his share of huge, tentacled, slimy gods of doom. Cthulhu wouldn’t even know what hit him.
Lyra did not kill God. At least, she did not kill anything that is anywhere near the idea of God as described in most religions. The thing she killed was neither omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, etc. Philip Pullman even stated that the Authority is not the Creator of anything. In a fight, Cthulhu > Authority.
I had to vote for Lyra, because you know after a nice chat with Cthulhu she would be appointed his Viceroy or something. She’s not called Silvertongue for nothing.
I’m voting for Lyra only because Cthulhu is overpowered.Tehnically he beats the crap out of all of the contestants,maybe even Aslan.And I must admit,I’m a fan of “A song of fire and ice” of G.R.R.M and as Jamie is the representant of that series I want him to go as far as possible.A fight with Cthulhu will not end good for his opponent,but what can Lyra do against Jamie??I say: “nothing”!So vote for Lyra to save Jamie’s ass.
I figured this was a no brainer, but somehow…You guys have actually sold me on Lyra.
Well that and yeah, talk about a boring fight if he just keeps rising through the ranks.
And who says Cthulhu actually wakes up for this little shindig, anyway?
voted for cthulhu on instinct, but on looking at the other remotely plausible “cthulhu-killers” in the contest, and where they are bracket-wise, i’d rather see lyra win this.
rand al’thor is the only one in the contest who is built for this, he’s practically on home turf, but they would have to be facing off *in the final*, it’s the only way they meet. gandalf (also must be in final) or aslan (semi-final) obviously stand a better than average chance, and all three of these guys will probably need to go through resurrection to claim their ribbon. i don’t see any victory in shrike vs. cthulhu, perhaps battle without end. after that, lyra actually stands a better chance than just about anyone, so if *anyone* could do it before the final, she should have a shot.
plus it might be fun to see lannister march to the semifinals over the corpses of dead girls. or if jaime falls to anita in the quarters, that could be a good one.
This is my favorite fight synopsis so far. I’ve read it a dozen times. After I post this, I will go and read it again, because it makes me smile.
As for those of you who think Cthulu vs Aslan will be boring….
Why, pray tell, are you participating in a Cage Match voting poll if you feel that cage matches between god-like beings is….boring?
pfft@that
You came here to see your favorite heroes square off in epic battles. Lets cut the clever crap and get to it. Bring on the epic blood baths.
God in the Pullman books is a far cry from what most would think of as God. He’s basically a shriveled up, powerless old husk of what he once was, which appears to have been just the most powerful of Angels. Now Metatron is quite powerful in those books, and so is Lord Azriel.
The point is well taken that given enough time Lyra might be able to use the Alethiometer to find some means to keep Cthulhu from waking…for now, but in the end Cthulhu is the one with time on his side. He sleeps, he waits dreaming. If his time doesn’t come now, it will come eventually, long after Lyra is gone, and that’s something poor Lyra just can’t beat.
Okay, seriously, who put Cthulhu into this match? Nobody beats freakin’ Cthulhu. (Well, okay, maybe Raistlin Majere could pull it off. Killing evil gods is kind of his shtick, after all.)
But still, dropping Cthulhu into this tournament is like putting a guy on horseback in an Olympic sprinting event.
Of course, mainly I’m bitter because Cthulhu’s next matchup is almost certainly going to be Jaime Lannister, and poor Jaime stands just about as much chance as Lyra did.
What the hell, people? Cthulu is basically worthless: a big squid that makes people crazy. Lyra handily dispatches far worse in her books. Including (spoilers) she kills God Himself. After that, Cthulu is pretty much not even an issue.
OK its kind of obvious that Cthulu will win this. But lets be honest dont you think he is a bit too good? Well unless lyra suddenly gets the hordes of Polar Bears on her side, and angels, and the various other friends she picked up on the way… OH and dont forget the harpies. I take it back, this would be a good fight
Cthulu will romp through the ranks here.
Vote Lyra and keep it interesting & entertaining.
There is only one thing that I can say to explain my vote for Cthulhu:
Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!
It seems to me that Cthulhu is elevated above “giant fish thing” only by the tenet of his universe that both human morality and human rationality are meaningless—that there is a fundamental coldness and alien hostility to the cosmos. That the only bargain between spirit/meaning and the flesh is that spirit is strange and alien in its shapelessness; and flesh, perverted, misshapen, and weak.
Without that, without that being *true*, the truth behind all truths, he is a priest of a false idea.
Lyra comes from a very different cosmos. She comes from a world where she’s directly observed what lies behind the veil of matter. It’s not cold alien hostility. It’s Dust.
She isn’t like some random scientist or priest facing Cthulhu. She isn’t just generically confident in faith or reason, but poised on seeing Cthulhu to realize that that confidence is misplaced.
She *knows* that souls are meaningful. She knows that spirit loves the mortal flesh. These aren’t theories to her. They’re things she’s *seen*.
Now, it’s not clear in a cage match like this whose cosmology reigns supreme. I mean, I’m disinclined to casually say, “Cthulhu sees the Dust around her. Recognizing that his entire worldview is meaningless, he goes mad!”
And I’m also disinclined to assume that Lyra has an experience of that sort.
But I will note that humans are probably going to break ties in favor of human morality, rationality, and dignity. So, whether she’d be right or wrong to do so, I’d think Lyra can ignore the metaphysical implications that usually impress themselves on people seeing Cthulhu. I think she could look at him, particularly if she had a little preparation, without immediately going mad.
And I think that if you defang the weighty meaninglessness of the cosmos that looms behind and around Cthulhu, if you deny it and strip it of its maddening power, that Lyra would be as capable as anybody else (except maybe Ender) of hitting a giant squid-faced dude
in the head
with a ship.
Heck. For that matter, Lyra would be more capable than almost anybody (*even* Ender) of breaking the ill-formed cosmic principles that keep Cthulhu and his ilk antagonistic to human lives and works. For who better than Lyra to see past the insistent despair of the Mythos’ cosmic order—to recognize it as a house in disarray, twisted in on itself as if by an originating demiurge that knew the forms of architecture but not their substance? Who better than Lyra to grasp in the Mythos’ endless obsession with the convoluted, palpating viscerality of flesh a twisted reiteration of the love of Dust for matter? To connect the relentless character of torment and bleakness pervading the Mythos with its chosen conception of the roles of self and spirit, to understand the priesthood of the nuclear chaos as a confused attempt at self-intercision? As the soul of the world, broken by the weight of false ideas, striving to cut itself from the flesh?
And who better than a perverse, inexplicable congeries of girl and daemon—of human person and that shifting shapeless blasphemy we call the soul—to show Cthulhu a way to break the endless emptiness of his world? To be a psychopomp unto him, to make a spiritual path for him, to lead him from his current state into being a functional part of a new and humane order? Who better to offer his world a new contract between flesh and spirit, then one already thus contracted?
Or,
as we’ve said,
to hit him in the head with a ship, such as Lyra is sometimes, well, on.
It’s a lot of damage!
A ship, I mean.
It’s a lot of damage. It’s a really brutal kind of attack.
If Lyra had ever hit you in the head with a ship you would definitely know.
I think Lyra would actually have a pretty good chance to defeat Cthulhu if she could team up with Will.
The combination of the alethiometer (that makes them pretty much omniscient) and the Subtle knife (that gives them the ability to travel anywhere in any universe instantaneously and to cut up literally anything) is extremely potent, and it would give them the ability to first flee Cthulhu by jumping into a parallel universe and then ask the alethiometer if the great old one has any weaknesses of any kind. If it’s anything physical, they would be able to get it or use the subtle knife to destroy it. If the trick lies with another being, Lyra could probably use her silver-tongue to talk it into helping them.
They might even be able to sneak up beside Cthulhu by cutting a gate next to him and stab the great old one with the subtle knife, since the blade is so sharp it would be able to cut him even if he isn’t completely physical.
This does, of course, assume that 1) Cthulhu actually has any weaknesses and 2) that Lyra and Will doesn’t go mad immediately.
Lyra is a lucky little thing and hence the stars will be wrong and Cthulhu will not show. Winner by default.
“Or,
as we’ve said,
to hit him in the head with a ship, such as Lyra is sometimes, well, on.”
In response to that, this actually happened in ‘The Call of Cthulhu,’ and it resulted in Cthulhu’s head bursting like a rancid bubble, then reforming with no damage done. I can kinda-sorta see the rest of it, but Lovecraft’s own text on the matter shows that particular action wouldn’t do anything.
She already killed a god.
She could break Chthulhu over her knee.
Um. She beat GOD, people! So I don’t think she’d lose to half-god half-octopus thing whose powers boil down to “lookin’ at you real scurry-like.”
I said this in the main thread, and I’ll say it again.
You can’t beat Cthulhu in a fist fight. You’ve gotta fight fire with fire. And what might actually snap the mind of Cthulhu? Why, seeing a cute, miniature Cthulhu following around a little girl! “What the… man, I’m going back to sleep.”
You can’t say that Lyra would beat Cthulhu because she “beat God.” That’s an extreme fallacy of logic, the type utilized by desperate idiots on the verge of defeat.
Firstly, it is entirely possible for A to defeat B and B to defeat C, but for A to be unable to beat C. That’s the idea of Rock-Paper-Scissors, for example. Rock beats scissors, but it doesn’t necessarily beat paper, even though scissors do.
But that hardly matters, considering that Lyra did not fight anything at even a remotely god-like level. The “God” she supposedly defeated and killed could have been finished off by a five year old. Cthulhu is well above that level, and above Lyra’s level.
Besides, after the travesty to logic and sheer idiocy that Jaime vs. Hermione turned out to be, I have to confess I’m almost eager to see Jaime get his mind broken and his body torn asunder by Cthulhu.
Cthulhu wins, obviously, to anyone who knows anything about the Great Old Ones. Only person in this contest that beats Cthulu hands down is Rand al’Thor, through the use of Balefire.
After some thought, I’ve decided how I think this should go down:
Mighty Cthulhu lumbered up out of the ocean, bearing down on the tiny blond figure before him. But suddenly, it gave a shrill cry.
“Cthulu! Cthulhu! That’s your name, en’t it? The alethiometer says you’ve come for the whole world!”
Cthulhu did not deign to reply, but picked up the pace.
“Wait! You’ll be sorry if you don’t! There’s another world, and I know how to get to it!”
Cthulhu was mildly amused by this silliness.
“It’s called Cittagazze, and it’s lovely, much nicer than this one. It’s got towers and spires and great brick buildings! You’d love it there, I know you would! I’ll show you, if you promise to eat that world intstead!”
The specificity of this intrigued Cthulhu, and he decided that, as he fully intended to eat both this world and this impertinent miniscule female anyway, what could it hurt if he was on the lookout for desert? He nodded his vast head gravely, and the tiny blond figure set off, bouncing and gesticulating, shouting out to him.
“This way! I’ll show you!”
Soon enough, the two reached a device in the snow.
“This used to be my father’s. Lord Azriel,” went on the child. “He left, got through Cittagazze to somewhere else, but I don’t think we can do that, ’cause I en’t got the knife anymore, and Will’s not here to use it anyway. But Cittagazze is much prettier than that other place, you’ll see, and…”
Mighty Cthlhu’s head was beginning to ache from the tiny creature’s prattling, and he felt vaguely that he should like to squash her. But he reminded his godly self that he must forebear, at least until she was proven a liar.
“Now we need a child, you know, and their daemon.”
Fetching these articles was no problem for mighty Cthulhu, and soon the gate between worlds was open wide. Cthulhu, who had been wondering how this singularly annoying specimen of vermin would feel under his enormous foot with some gloating anticipation was taken aback.
The tiny creature charged up the ramp into the sky, waving for him to follow. “Come on! It’s up here! I’ll show you! It’s ever so nice!”
Mighty Cthulhu followed, secure in the knowledge that nothing could destroy him anyway.
He stepped off the edge of the archway…directly into the thousands of Specters created by the rift opening. As Mighty Cthulhu set about stomping and smashing them, the blond female and her daemon jauntily crossed back over the bridge of light as the flocks of angels descended to near-instantly close the wall between worlds, just as they had promised they would.
And here I thought Jaime Lannister vs Hermione Granger was a mismatch…
Nah, I’m sure the alethiometer isn’t useless here. It tells her the truth about Cthulhu.
This is exactly why Lyra is unlikely to upset this match.
Read the comments.
You convinced me.
Vote goes for Lyra.
There are plenty of Characters that can defeat Cthulhu, if you are willing to accept, that his cosmology does not reign supreme. Conan more or less kills ancient ones frequently, Aslan is far more powerful than him, Raistin, Rand and the shrike, Gandalf is also beyond human, as per my post in the Shrike vs. Arthur Dent thread, Cthulhu is also powerless against Arthur Dent because that is the kind of battle AD wins through sheer bizarrenes and deliberate plot armour. the argument can be made that even if his mindwarping power is in effect quite a few of these characters have minds that can’t be as easily broken as all that.
Lyra: Oh no, I’d better read the alethiometer!
Alethiometer: You are about to die.
THE END
If Lyra manages to kill the omnipotent God himself, how can someone like Cthulhu have a chance? Besides, scientia est potentia, also.
I was also really hoping to see Jaime Lannister vs Panserbjorn.