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Click here to see what author George R. R. Martin thinks will happen
“Books?” Jaime said. “How can books help me in a fight?”
“They can tell you more about this thing you’re fighting.” Tyrion dumped the dusty tomes down on the table.
“Cthulhu,” said Jaime. “It sounds like the noise old men make when they’re bringing up phelgm.” He rummaged through the books with his good hand. They had odd titles, in languages he did not know, though he was not surprised his brother did. “Abdul Alhazared,” he pronounced, leafing through a few pages. “This is written in gibberish. What tongue is this?”
“A fair question,” said Tyrion, “to which I have no answer. That comes from the shadowlands beyond Asshai. But here, look at this. It is a translation of a translation of a translation, I understand.” The dwarf flipped through the pages, until he found the one he wanted. “And there are illuminations. Here. This is Cthulhu.”
Jaime stared. “That?”
“That.”
“It’s as big as Casterly Rock.”
“Bigger. If Casterly Rock fell on its head it might not even notice.”
“Seven bloody hells.” Even if he still had two good hands, Jaime Lannister was not certain how he was supposed to fight something like that. “Those tentacles… this thing looks as though it just ate twenty giant krakens, but hasn’t quite finished swallowing them yet.” He sat down, and began turning pages. “Maybe if I had a dragon… ”
“Maybe if you had a hundred dragons.” Tyrion sat cross-legged on his stool and began rummaging through another book, called Mysteries of the Worm.
“Read. I’ll do the same. You haven’t much time.”
“I suppose not,” Jaime admitted. “What am I looking for?”
“Weaknesses.”
Jaime looked at the picture of Cthulhu again. “It has eyes,” he said. “A vulnerable point, perhaps. A spear through the eye will kill a dragon.” How could he reach the eyes, though? The thing was taller than the Wall. “A rope and a grapnel… I could scale the damned thing, as if it were a mountain… but I’d need too good hands to pull myself up…” He did not have two good hands.
“You could have twenty good hands,” said Tyrion. He did not even look up from his book. “The tentacles would catch you and pull you apart like a wishbone.” He turned another page. “You had best start reading, if you ever want to fuck our sweet sister again.”
Jaime started reading. It was not at all his favorite pastime, but he saw his little brother’s point.
The better part of an hour passed before he looked up. “Here’s something,” he said. “Elder signs.” He turned the book around and showed it to Tyrion.
The dwarf scratched at his nose, considering. “Hmmm. Yes. Protective wards. Those could be useful.”
“I can paint one on my shield,” said Jaime.
“On your shield and all over your armor,” suggested Tyrion. “But paint can be stripped away too easily. Have these Elder Signs etched into the metal.”
“Agreed.” Jaime rose and summoned his armorer and set him to work. “Along my sword as well,” he told the man. “Both sides.”
Tyrion was still reading. “That’s unfortunate.”
“What?” Jaime poured each of them a cup of wine. This reading was thirsty work.
“Well, it says here that the mere sight of this Cthulhu will drive you mad with terror.”
Jaime laughed. “What, me?” He took a sip of wine. “Sometimes a little terror just makes a man fight harder.”
“They’re talking about a lot of terror,” said the dwarf. “Not the fight-harder kind, alas. The shit-your-breeches-and-curl-up-in-a-ball kind.”
Now that was really vexing. Even covered with Elder Signs, how could he be expected to fight the damn thing if he could not even look at it? “Do I need to go into battle blind?” he asked his brother. “There was Symeon Star-Eyes, true, but he had years of experience fighting sightless. I do not. How do I even find the bloody thing?”
“Well, I imagine there will be a smell,” said Tyrion. His frown deepened. “It would appear you can’t kill it either.”
“A thrust through the eye… ” insisted Jaime, clinging to that hope.
“… is like to inconvenience it, but the thing’s already dead, or undead, or… Listen to this. That is not dead which can eternal lie. And with strange aeons even death may die.”
“I doubt that I can wait aeons,” said Jaime. “So the thing’s a god, is it?”
“Pretty much.” Scowling, Tyrion turned more pages. Then he grinned. “Oh, hold on. Here is it.”
“What now?” asked Jaime.
“It’s sleeping.” Tyrion tapped the page. “Says so right here. And in the other book as well. Cthulhu is sleeping in R’yleh beneath the sea.”
“How does that help us?” asked Jaime.
“Well,” said Tyrion, “let’s not wake it. If Cthulhu doesn’t turn up, you win the match by default. Big fellow like that needs its sleep. I’d hate to disturb its dreaming, wouldn’t you?”
“We all need to dream,” said Jaime, with a wry smile. “But someone will want to it wake it up, I fear.”
“A lot of someones,” the dwarf confessed. “There’s heavy coin down on the big guy.”
He was not wrong. When Jaime strode onto the battleground beside the sea, he found more than twenty of them: priests and acolytes with bulging eyes, fish-belly white skin, receding chins, and the odd gill or two. The moment they saw him, they all started chanting, “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn,”and dancing about in a circle, their pale limbs flopping. Their eyes were all on the waves. None of them paid the least bit of attention to Jaime… until he shrugged off his cloak and let it puddle to the ground, revealing the golden armor beneath, covered over head to heel with Elder Signs.
Then they started shrieking. Smiling happily, Jaime donned his helm, and unsheathed his longsword.
The priests were slow and clumsy, at least on land. None of them were armed, and his blade went through their pale soft flesh like a fishwife’s knife through a fresh catch, the Elder Signs along its length brightening with each kill. Green ichor splattered everywhere. Before long the ground was slippery with scales and webbed hands and stinking fish innards. No one was chanting anymore.
Cthulhu never showed. Jaime hoped it was having a nice dream. Maybe it has a sweet sister too.
“I think you’ve won this one,” said Tyrion, as the sun was going down. There was no one left to dispute it. “Let’s go collect our winnings. You won’t believe the odds I got on you, brother.”
Cthulhu and Jaime sat around the table, discussing the merits of destroying little girls.
“My favorite part was when she pulled out her little instrument thingy–like an Elder Being is scared of an over-glorified Geiger Counter.”
Jaime didn’t know what Cthulhu meant. Hell, he could barely understand the almost visual touch of the monster’s voice that would have sent his soul screaming–if he still had one. What he did understand was the fine wine he’d been consuming almost continuously since he’d won his last match. He reached absently for it with his right hand, only to remember that said appendage was no longer there. The dark voice rambled on in his brain…
“…so I said, ‘You eat the spleen!’,” which caused the be-tentacled god-thing to chortle with bone-liquifying amusement.
“Ha,” said Jaime. Clearly Cthulhu’s humor was lost on him.
“What about you?” the dark being asked.
“‘What about me’ what?”
“Well, how’d your battle go?”
Jaime snorted. “Battle? What battle? I’ve had more sport with a pack of worthless Starks than the precocious child those worthless Suvudu people put me up against.”
“I hear that!” Cthulhu guffawed. “You toss this one out a window, too?”
This brought Jaime up short. “You go too far, ser.”
“Cthuhlu, please. Ser was my father.”
The absurdity of this last statement didn’t register to the Kingslayer, as much of this conversation hadn’t. But he couldn’t let this hulking madness sitting across from him insult his honor. “So…” Jaime said.
“So indeed,” Cthulhu replied, getting all serious and–as his friends would point out–most certainly unCthulhu-like.
The two stood up and squared off in front of each other. Jaime, in gleaming armor, looked every bit the feared warrior of Westeros he was known to be. He held his sword in what had once been his off-hand, but clearly was “off” no more. It wasn’t just competence in his grip; it was the casual disregard that spoke of a fighter whose skill had transcended “talented” to reach the realm of elite. The sword was an extension of his left hand as much as his sneer was an extension of his personality. Well-seasoned warriors would look upon his stance and know fear. Hardened veterans would look in his face and see the determination of one who had not only killed his liege, but vanquished a mighty witch just days before.
They would see their death, done up in a golden glory that would rival the sun.
Cthulhu yawned and destroyed the knight’s mind. For good measure, the dark god knelt on his head, popping it like an arrogant zit.
Only later, as the bartender came over to settle up the tab did Cthulhu realize it was being stuck with the bill.
Time to find his dear sister, Cthulhu thought. A Lannister always pays his debts…
Damn–someone already used that joke.
Predicted Winner: Cthulhu
(Cthulhu is a character from the myriad writings of H. P. Lovecraft; Jaime Lannister is a character from George R.R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire series,)
Those of you pushing the argument that basically goes “Cthulu wins ‘cos it’s Cthulu”, really need to wake up and smell the coffee. This is a competition not a victory parade. If the starting point for your argument is that Cthulu just can’t be beaten, then there wouldn’t have been any point in Cthulu entering it in the first place – after all, if it’s assumed that Cthulu is so all conquering, it could just squish the rest of the field from the sofa and then go back to watching day time TV. Therefore, it must be the case that Cthulu is not all that it’s been cracked up to be.
As has already been pointed out, if there’s one reliable thing about fantasy faction it’s that enormous odds always favour the underdog. Thus, once it is apparent that Cthulu isn’t entitled to win just because it’s name is Cthulu, it’s status as favourite looks to be more of a liability than a blessing.
I like your point about the odds favoring the underdog. Sir Terry Pratchett said something to this extent – if a chance of an event happening is exactly one in a million, it is bound to happen for sure. Seems like this may be the outcome of this round (fingers crossed).(R.I.P. Wee Free Men, btw)
Which, of course means Cthulu is the actual underdog, and thus should win… =)
(Anyone who hasn’t been sleeping throughout this entire event knows Cthulu was the underdog from the moment GRRM pointed his fans at this board. Of which I am one, but I would still prefer Cthulhu not suffer such an ignoble defeat as to lose to the Kingslayer…) =P
Huh. Jaime Lannister is currently ahead. For those of of you unclear on the concept, I offer two arguments: 1) The animation short “Bambi vs. Godzilla” 2) Regarding the whole “boat ramming” incident, Cthulhu was not at the height of his powers because the stars were not right. I realize the second argument could backfire- stars wrong, Jaime wins, stars right, Cthulhu wins.
if tirion is the the lanister WILL be victorious.remember the blackwater.
and again since jaime is there throu the whole time he can prevent cthulhus awakeness and let the fight begine at the right moment.cthulhu dosent deside when to wake up and when to get to its hight of powers,jame however,as a person hwo nearly uses the knoledge and gods of his world,the armies of lanister and his own training-can.
all jame has to do is facing the moster at the right moment.since cthulhu can go to other univerces and regular knights cant i think the fight will occer on westrows land.in this teritory not only that the gods are different and atleast one of them,the one thet uses humans to get his wishes forfilled, will be upset,but cthulhu is totaly detached from the stars!
the westrosian stars and weather are not only differen but acts in a bizzare way…
wintar could take place for many years and the cerestrial periodicity is doubtable at best,left for the smartest scholers-there is no power sorce for cthulhu!
infact,if he or hes priests are wating for a specific moment-in the seven kingdoms he will sleap forever!
martins world has its own magic scorces,and thoes are understood by the worlds scholers,not cthuihus priests.
if he knows when to awake and has a chance to win-he wont get it to the battlefield!
ofcource,its not his “power sorce”-itz a part of him-but its simpley mean that he can not exist in westrose by himself,atleast not as powerfull as he is…
loosing to the kingslayer isnt that dishornable…
every one hwo rad the thired book knowes he didnt kill him for no reason…
*dishonorable
if cthulhu MUST win then whats the point of the whole game? should it be “realistic”? so why vote?
Jaime FTW!
“Well,” said Tyrion, “let’s not wake it. If Cthulhu doesn’t turn up, you win the match by default.
TYRION.
ILU.
Yes, yes, yes. I know Jaime should lose, because OH WELL HE LOST HIS HAND.
So what?
Cthulhu should win everything, because he’s a god. HELL.
Most of people in this competition are THE BEST FREAKING WIZARD/ASSASSIN/SWORDSMAN/WHATEVER IN THE WORLD.
So yes. Ragnarok?
I voted for Jaime.
Because I’ve read Mr. Martin’s writing.
Mr. Martin. You win.
You win.
Hey, even *when* Jamie does win (fingers crossed) all you Cthulhu fans should be consoled by the fact that, after all this arguing, all the GRRM fans are running out to their nearest library to get the fattest Lovecraft collection they can lay their hands on! Well . . . I am anyway, and isn’t that the point?
Go Lannister!
/nodd
/applause
true, indeed. After I had finished reading the whole story I wasn’t that upset about ruining a good sword anymore, it makes sense within the story.
Anyway, just wanted to have mentioned it.
I cannot take seriously any competition where some guy with a sword could even conceive of defeating Cthulu. Obviously this is a popularity contest, not a matter of who would win in a battle.
if lovecraft characters are too STUPID to not knowing how to defeat cthulhu it dosent mean its impossible.
we gave you more reasons then ANY other mach in suvudu!
inclouding world restrictions,relevant inability,causal probloms that requires a sleaping cathulhu,reasons for it to stay at his current situation,reasons why jame chooses the battleplace for his addventeges,reasons why it metters,and even a reson for cathulhu to not notice its bralin is digged out(Bacterias dont die easly)!
im sorry but the burden of proof is YOURS!
“it happens becaus it dose” is a fault teleology!
Ofcourse its a popularity contest, but read some of the reasons as to how they say Jamie would win, the best one was given by GRRM himself. cthulu’s folowers were killed by Jamie and thus cthulu was never wakened. Is that not how you usually defeat things like that? I dont have any problems with people less powerful beating things more powerful. If thats what always happened in Scifi and fantasy then it would not be very interesting. The question you must ask yourself is how. I have read a credible explanation as to how and thus I am satisfied. I have yet to get a remotely credible explanation as to how the Shrike looses to Drizzt.
Really? Cthulhu already squashed Lyra, and there were some pretty compelling arguments last round for why she was one of the better suited among the contestants to defeat the Big Squishy. (This also means that the only way GRRM’s admittedly very fun reasoning works is if we change the rules every round based on which characters people like.)
I’m as bored as anyone else with the idea of Cthulhu’s unchallenged ascent through the ranks, but let’s be honest, no one whose primary advantage is physical strength and prowess has a snowball’s chance in hell. Not even Jaime Lannister.
P.S.–I know it’s been said, but “Stormcrow,” you need to find a better outlet then spewing vitriol at people on the ‘net. Especially as, according to my highly scientific approach, the main voting bloc here seems in fact to be fifteen year old boys.
Actually he did write about it. It’s on his blog.
Tyrion isn’t even in this flipping tournament, why is he allowed to help Jaime?
Anyone can come up with a way to beat anyone on here, and if we’re just going to come up with a way Jaime AND Tyrion can beat everyone on here in some “clever” way then this tournament is nothing more than a popularity contest.
The dwarf has no business in this competition, as a lot of contestants who could have used their family/friends/followers went without and died.
I wonder if the majority of the people leaving comments will ever realize that this is truly a popularity contest. I voted for the Shrike in the first round, because I like both characters equally and thought the Shrike would genuinely win. This time I voted for Jaime because I like ASoIaF, but don’t much care for C’Thulhu, even though Big Ugly should obviously win in a bar fight.
These characters are works of fiction, and can always be written to win in a fight no matter the odds. It might take a talented writer to make it sound plausible, but since it’s just words on paper, it’s always possible.
My thoughts were right along those same lines. Bringing the characters out of their respective worlds and making up new rules on the fly means that you can come up with a scenario for whoever you want to win. It is a popularity contest. Judging strength of the character vs another in a variety of world with a variety of rules is flat out impossible. I vote for who I want to win.
This is even dumber than Gandalf losing to the Gunslinger. As much as I love ASoIaF, Jamie wouldn’t stand a chance. A sword against a god is worthless.
assuming that the god cannot be defeated I ask wth is he doing in the contest?
Go Jamie! Go Jamie! Go Jamie!
Tyrion is giving the pregame advice just as a boxer has his team in the corner. In GRRM’s scenario and the other excellent scenario; Jaime must implement the solution all by his lonesome.
All’s fair in preparation.
“Tyrion isn’t even in this flipping tournament, why is he allowed to help Jaime?”
and cthulhu has to be woken,so there are at least a dosen low power worshiper or two strong mages invilve…
why can they help HIM?…
if what your saying is truth-its an automatical technical victory for the golden knight…
i do think lyra could have won,especially if she carries the Subtle Knife-but it is of more logic that jame would beat an army of priest then her.
i have a few other arguments,which you can read in here.
he could go unnoticed,he could use an army and he could choose the battlefield,what lyra cant by the way,being unexperienced impulsive girl hwo does smart long-term moves only when a pies of metal tells her to(beside lieing).
fantasy literature is full of person vs mountain encounters!
as i already proclamed the meare sky of westrose prevent cthulhu from using its powers!
you you all are right-as in any good debate,both sides may have theire good clames to be found.but the fact is that it creates these lines that we are writing.it makes you think and know your character.
not allowing it is basically saying being smart,insightfull and understandending the subject is cheating!
i call you all again to look at the field the characters,leave the fan dogmas and have fun^^
and to vote to jame!
or at least to find some good arguments…
an idiotic nonsence in hebrew to express the logic yet absurd incident:
מפלצת בגודל של הרmifletzet begodel shel har
she’otcha meshage’a
lo yitorer ad machar
zot kol echad yode’a
kol mi shecara et sifro
o histakel batguvot
be’avaro
yimtza pirtzot!
hayetzur anak umafchid
uben almavet atzum
aval eichshehu tamid
hu nofel be’bum!
lekol sheretz shekore
omar et ze chad ubarur:
im tirtze lehashmid
behaliche yesh lakachat shiur!
ve’im tishchat drakon
o chaya mishol tachtiot
vade im hayah nacon
lilmod halicha caya’ot!
>a mountain size moster
that drives you mad
wont wake up till tomorow
every one knows that
every one hwo have rad his book
or looked at the replis
in his past
findes soft spots!
hes giant and scary
a mighty immortal too
but somehow all the time
hes falling in a bum!
for every reading vermin
heres a loud edvice:
if you want to annihilate
take a walking leason first!
and if you slauter a dragon
or a hell beast
make sure he learned corectely
how to walk!
Seriously ppl to think of this entire thing as anything but a popularity contest is just naive. To get yourselves so worked up over what some twinkie fan has to say? lol Twinkies ruin everything. I say we feed a few to the Big C
SPOILERS from A Song of Ice and Fire coming.
Oh, please. I know many of you say that with Martin’s explanation, Jaime wins. But Martin is shamelessly cheating there. This is Jaime at the end of Storm of Swords. He came home when Tyrion was imprisoned. Jaime’s only asset, as many have said, is Tyrion, and he DOES NOT have Tyrion here. Because Tyrion is pretty angry with Jaime having you know, partly arranged the gang rape of Tyrion’s wife. So Jaime knows nothing, he sees Chtulhu, valiantly tries and easily dies. Period.
What I don’t buy is Jaime being horrified by Chtulhu. Chtulhu was very horrifying back then in Lovecraft’s time. Nowadays we know about pederasty, torture and genocide. Frankly, a cruel human soul is far more scary than Little Tentacles, who lost all capacity to produce fear after the publication of “The misadventures of Hello Chtulhu” (a hilarious webcomic about Chtulhu getting stuck in Hello Kitty’s universe). So, no, anyone who’s been raised with the likes of Tywin Lannister and the Cleganes, and survived Vargo Hoat and Amory Lorch, will NOT be scared of Chtulhu. I think all those men are more scary than Tentacly dear. Still, Jaime loses. Because he’s crippled and Tyrion isn’t with him.
I think even now Tyrion would help out Jaime against Chthulu. While the Lannisters have huge in-fighting, they always rally together against outside forces.
Onegirl: First, this is a contest obviously not at any specific time, as at least one of the characters has died already, it could be before Tyrion’s trial, since Jaime has his hand chopped off before then, second, all the contests are what if’s…..otherwise…who’s to say where the “battle” takes place, does cthulhu’s eldritch magic even work in the world of westeros?…who is to say…just take it as it lay…its a big bundle of what if, and a popularity contest, otherwise there would be more credible match ups for sake of fairness I mean otherwise its the shrike versus Aslan and that’s that….they are both equivilent to unstoppable…and aslan wins in the end…simply because he is a creation god. its all in good fun so everyone who is screaming cheat or no way…simmer down….and wait till the good people at suvudu refine the system before you holler so loudly
“While the Lannisters have huge in-fighting, they always rally together against outside forces.”
Uh, no longer so….remember the ending of Feast for Crows? (Let me not drop spoilers, but a little letter did get tossed in the fire….)
And onegirl, we do have some scenarios up there where Jaime wins without Tyrion’s help…equally far-fetched ones, I will freely admit, but isn’t that the whole point?
Hm. I love Jaime, but there is no way that he can defeat Cthulhu. A man versus a god… The only way Jaime could have a chance to win is with Cthulhu still sleeping. And even in this scenario, Jaime would probably become completely insane just by watching Him.
cruel,sean-it-all and dont belive in cthulhus powers jame would survive insanaty(witch he also expirienced in the searice and survibed).
cthulhu works with fear of death and pain,blief and iner evil.it combines the pieses of thote together.he will pass that.
the fact is that it would make him vounrable-but increadebly more powerfull!
its the king slayer,he knowes cheating and being cheated,he knowes bearing a bargin.if he could strike before dieing(asspasialy if getting life into him like i said fefour) he will win!
cthulhu needs an armey of warshipers.so technically jame can bring all of westrose…
dumbeldore is dead and the timelines are mixed-and yet everyones fighting.cthulhu is a myth even for its creator(not a character)-now ill clame if does not exist.not on allmoast godless westroes!
call that cheating.
Pleasant nightmares, Cthulhu.
Yay, Jaime has won! Bye bye Cthulhu
its good.
if cathulu had to face a person that have surrenderd to his one darkness(raistlin) it would have won.
so would it with someone that cant live with his dids and runs away from them.
there are two characters this round that might have been able to defeat cthulhu at the next.one is our champion.the other is ged.
So Lannister triumphs another time where they should have fallen. Damn.
Also, dear Martin, where was House Greyjoy, where were the Iron Men? Why did they not rally to aid the reawakening of the Drowned God?! I mean, they easily have more Ftaghn in them than the average Cthulhu cult!
Of course, Jaime could also have brought a Lannister Host with him and just ridden the Cultists down …
@WaterDancer, I am convinced Eldritch Magic works on Westeros. Apart from the Lovecraftverse, nowhere are the gods so cruel and uncaring and is life so damn miserable.
Plus. Look at these Gods. The Drowned God. His people run about with a Kraken for coat of arms. I mean, jeez. They just could make Phui R’Lyeh Ftaghn! their house words …
If it is cheating because tyrion will not help him then you can make the argument that the fight was fixed because of the fact that you picked Jamie without his sword hand. As I can recall from reading one of the spoilers about tyrion in a dance with dragons, he would aid his brother. He said that his family was his to kill and no one else. he was ready to defend his family despite everthing that happened. I am not buying the argument that he would not help his brother.
Ser Jaime, the Cinderella boy from Lannisport makes it to the Elite Eight!
If I looked at that right, then this battle had the most number of votes. Looking good for House Lannister!
If a dragon can beat Polgara… Jaime can beat Cthulhu.
If a dragon can beat Polgara… Jaime can beat Cthulhu. If any character should have been barred it is Rand. Rand is one of my favorites, along with Belgarion and GRRM’s cast of characters, but what fun is playing a game of rock, paper, balefire? I wonder if Cthulhu could have driven Rand mad… hmm.
Next up for Ser Kingslayer? A Dragon… Pfft.
Any fantasy buffs ever hear of a knight slaying a dragon?
Onwards the Lion to the final 4!!!
Raist would totally kick C’thulu’s ass. He’s not unaccustomed to killing gods. At worst, he’s C’thulu’s equal. More probably, the Soulforged could bring about those strange aeons and let death die.
Got to like the possibility of K’vothe vs. the Lannisters in the semis. Not only a blurb-off between interested authors, but a match between (including Tyrion) some of the craftiest characters out there. Jaime should be able to trick a naive dragron, and K’vothe should find a way to beat a doddering (albeit powerful) old man. Rand vs. Ged should also be interesting, if things go the way they think I should. However, we’ve seen some strange things happen, so not counting any chickens just yet.
Many have various match ups in the final. Whay about Drizzt being counseled by Jarlaxle vs. Jaime being counseled by Tyrion. There could even be a pre game scout from Varys POV.
House Lannister could probably take on Drizzt’s homeland if Jaime loses.
Oops got ahead of myself, How about a Drizzt vs Jaime match up?
חלש…