SF & Fantasy

Cage Match 2010, Round 2: 5) Rand Al’Thor vs. 21) Conan the Barbarian

Rand Al.jpg

Image courtesy of The Hub Pages

Conan the Barbarian.jpg

Image courtesy of Earl Norem

Rand Al’Thor
The Dragon Reborn
Age: 20s
Race: Human
Weapons / Artifacts: Callandor
Special Attack: Channeling world destructive amounts of the One Power

Age: ??
Race: Human (Cimmerian)
Weapons / Artifacts: Big sword
Special Attack: Killing things

  • Trained to the hilt in swordsmanship–is an unofficial blademaster
  • Can channel enough One Power to end all life
  • Has an indestructible sword so powerful it drives it’s users mad

  • Huge and incredibly strong, but as lithe as a panther
  • Has traveled all over Hyperboria and killed many of its rulers
  • Much smarter than he looks–both a brilliant tactician and a charismatic leader

  • Mentally and emotionally unstable–a voice in his head occasionally takes control over him
  • Has two wounds that will never heal and lost his left hand in a battle

  • Can’t let a princess pass him by unmolested.

  • Locke Lamora (Trust us–he’s really dead)

  • Harry Dresden (Now no one’s listed in the phone book under “wizard”)
How we think the fight will go

He was far from Cimmeria, and in a strange place–a vast iron cage, and beyond it the dank and sweaty hell of the howling mob in the stands–but still it was a world Conan understood: It was a battlefield, and so it was his true home. So his thews were steeled and his nerves whetted and he was as dangerous as a hungry tiger as he strode into the ring, and thought not on battles past, not even with that wily wizard in the swirling black coat whose bones Conan had ground into dust. He spared no more than a grim and commanding glance for the gorgeous wenches who swooned and fainted in his wake. There would be time enough for them later, time enough for them all. When he entered the ring he raised aloft his brawny fist and so roused his hordes of fans to frenzy.

Though he knew some underestimated him–the price, alas, of a matchless, beautifully masculine physique–his mind crackled with calculation as he regarded the tall, slender man in the other corner. It would not be the first time Conan had taken down a wizard, though he had heard tale and legend that this one commanded powers far beyond his ken. One glance sufficed to tell him that one rumor in particular was true; the truth of it glowed in Rand al’Thor’s eyes. By Crom, the man was mad…and Conan knew that made him only all the more dangerous. Best to take off his head then in one mighty swipe.

Behind Rand al’Thor Conan espied a sign he liked even better: Rand al’Thor’s own little harem, Egwene Al’vere, Elayne Trakand, and Aviendha, urging their champion on. Even as the last ululating lllllllll trailed off in the battle cry of “Let’s get ready to rrrrumbbbbllllle” and Conan charged to the center of the ring with his sword borne aloft he could not help but give them all a long, lingering look with his smouldering gray eyes… and then, the seal of his fate, an irresistable smile.

Until that moment, Rand al’Thor had heard nothing, not the bloodthirsty cries of the crowd or the announcer calling his name or Conan’s bone-chilling battle cry, only the names of all the women that would not stop haunting him. It was only when he heard it–that of the women he loved, sighing for the barbarian in the center of the ring–that his mind snapped back to the moment, and to the weaving of the balefire.

One moment, there he was: a massive, hugely muscled bulk, imposing as a Hyborian mountain, and the next moment he wasn’t. All over Cimmeria his name vanished from the memories of the storytellers, and disappeared from the scrolls, and his legends went dark.

And in another faraway land and another faraway time, Robert E. Howard lights another cigarette, stares down at the blank page, and tries to remember the brilliant idea–its hulking shape still looming in his mind–that had flashed in his mind not a moment ago… and then disappeared as quickly as it came.

Predicted Winner: Rand al’Thor

(Rand Al’Thor is a character from Robert Jordan’s The Wheel of Time series; Conan the Barbarian is a character from Robert E. Howard’s Conan stories.)

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106 Responses to “Cage Match 2010, Round 2: 5) Rand Al’Thor vs. 21) Conan the Barbarian”

  1. Lupious says:

    I have to take Rand Al’ Thor to the finals. Him vs Cthulhu. That is assuming his madness doesn’t kill him first. Going to be hard to wipe a mountain from existence though.

  2. lakesidey says:

    If Lews Therin can create a mountain, can’t see any reason why Rand should not be able to destroy one. Hail the Dragon reborn…;)

  3. Battlecow says:

    Conan should have won this one. Conan as a character is to Rand as a character as Rand’s magic power is to Conan’s magic power. And destroying beings of boundless power is Conan’s specialty- if this actually went down, Conan would trot out a verse from The Lay of Kings, find a benign priest or else just threaten the bejeezus out of some dark priest or wizard from Stygia with its shadow-guarded tombs, acquire an anti-stupidity amulet, and strangle that sonuvagun Baal-Pteor style.

  4. Palm Trees says:

    Conan predicted to lose?
    Conan?? :(

  5. Warlockcaster says:

    I know I’m late to the fight but here it goes. Rand is a great sword fighter. I’ll agree he could last against Conan for a few minutes but the loss of his hand and Conan’s peak levels of skill and human physical potential would result in the Rand’s defeat. Even with both hands Rand is simply outmatched. But Rand never let the battle go that far. His vast control over the one power makes this fight a curb stomp. I would like to point out a problem with this statement though.
    Start Quote:
    “Conan felt the air begin to wrap around his statuesque figure and knew he would not be able to use force to break the bonds the sorcerer was weaving. So instead he retreated. His maddening assault turning instantly into a backwards somersault. Though Rand gave no sign of incantation, Conan could still feel the bonds being formed and slip through them with relative ease. But he had to keep moving.”
    End Quote:
    This story is well written but is a poor description of weaving the one power. Weaving bonds of air happens instantly. It is not some something you can dodge. Their is no perceptible change in the air. It is as fast as a thought. There is a part in the books when Rand is riding through the city. Out of the corner of his eye he sees an assassin on the rooftops. The man fires a crossbow bolt at him. Rand erects a shield of air while the bolt is in mid flight and blocks it. No matter how fast or agile, Conan is still a human being. Weaves of air are stronger than steel and form as fast as a thought. They cannot be avoided. Once Conan is ensnared Rand doesn’t have to resort to balefire even. Two weaves that come to mind are both composed of fire and air. One creates powerful explosions. Send such a weave through the barbarian and he is splattered all over the arena. Another was used against Rand by a forsaken and is essentially a laser beam. However, Rand could easily replicate this weave and cut Conan into hundreds of bloody chunks in bare seconds. Conan is an awesome character and deserves nothing but respect. But he has his limits. Rand far exceeds those and is essentially out of his league.

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