SF & Fantasy

Contest: Suvudu’s Disaster A Day Contest


Thank you for your interest in this contest, however the submissions are now closed.

In the past, we’ve run contests and sweepstakes awarding survival guides as the prizes. This time, we’re giving you a book that intends to tell you all the interesting and sometimes unexpected ways in which we will all be erased from the Earth.

Everything_Brockway.jpeg

Survival is up to you.

But don’t let any of this get you down. This book will put a smile on your face as it describes the many ways in which we might be wiped off the Earth’s face.

Here’s how you enter: use the comment field below to submit an original End-of-civilization (or End-of-the-World) scenario.  Tell us what could happen and give us some idea of the fallout. Length is up to you, but bear in mind that these entries will be judged by author Robert Brockway (Everything is Going to Kill Everybody) based on creativity and how well you conveyed the event.

That’s it! After you end civilization (in print only!) Robert will pick a winner and announce it during his upcoming Live Chat this Friday (April 9). We look forward to reading what you come up with.

Good luck (and have some fun with this one)!

View Contest Legal

Find more of Robert’s Disaster A Day content here: Disaster A Day with Robert Brockway

49 Responses to “Contest: Suvudu’s Disaster A Day Contest”

  1. Seth Meadows says:

    People of earth had been brainwashed by television to not believe in aliens. This gave the aliens an element of suprise. Once they eradicated us, they realize earth wasn’t that cool and just abandonned it. Little did they know, they brought back a bunch of poisons to their planet, starting their own undoing.

  2. Andrew says:

    The world is plummeting down into a pit of mediocrity. Originality is lost in the worlds of film, music, and television. Politicians are unable to do their jobs properly, just barely scraping by and avoiding war. Everyone has became indifferent to everything, and nobody excels at anything. Gradually, this mediocrity takes its toll on more pressing matters. People begin to crash cars, planes and boats. By the year 2012, anyone who hasn’t been destroyed by one of the many nuclear explosions, caused by inadequate protections of nuclear plants, wanders around indifferently, barely surviving. Even the mutations that inevitably occur are mediocre. Instead of gaining superpowers or extra limbs, the most anyone gets is abnormally long toe-nails. That’s if they’re lucky. The only way the human race is able to survive is by people having mediocre sex, creating mediocre children. Civilisation continues like this forever, or until aliens nuke everyone. “Why this sudden onset of mediocrity?” you may ask. Well, you see, when people learned that the world was going to come to an end in 2012, they just gave up hope in life and got by with the bare minimum. So…the Mayans were kinda right…a little.

  3. Patrick says:

    Do you enjoy fine foods? Like a bit of wine with your dinner? In the future, after driving masses of plants and animals to extinction, wealthy people across the world will begin to legally breed poor people for a modest payment in order to increase their “artisanal” value as genetic peculiarities in much the same way that heirloom tomatoes and obscure vines are now bred generation to generation. The trend will accelerate speedily as it becomes the greatest signifier of wealth in a world denuded of traditional status symbols and power. Most of you reading this will be lobotomized and force fed like cattle until whatever particular genetic mutation you’ve been selected for reaches a perfect threshold and then you’ll be pulled from the herd and either displayed like a prize bull, “Look at his hocks Martha! They’re gorgeous!” “And such a fine red coat, that would look divine in our living room, don’t you think?” or slaughtered and your skin stripped from your body and turned into a one of a kind handbag or pair of shoes. The elite will also begin to convert our bodies into artisanal comestibles and the resulting degradation of the human gene pool will lead to an increase in the level of undesirable mutations until the ruling class are either wiped out by their own inbreeding or eliminated by a plague transmitted by poorly prepared human flesh. Human hot dogs anyone?

  4. Patrick says:

    Do you enjoy fine foods? Like a bit of wine with your dinner? In the future, after driving masses of plants and animals to extinction, wealthy people across the world will begin to legally breed poor people for a modest payment in order to increase their “artisanal” value as genetic peculiarities in much the same way that heirloom tomatoes and obscure vines are now bred generation to generation.
    The trend will accelerate speedily as it becomes the greatest signifier of wealth in a world denuded of traditional status symbols and power. Most of you reading this will be lobotomized and force fed like cattle until whatever particular genetic mutation you’ve been selected for reaches a perfect threshold and then you’ll be pulled from the herd and either displayed like a prize bull, “Look at his hocks Martha! They’re gorgeous!” “And such a fine red coat, that would look divine in our living room, don’t you think?” or slaughtered and your skin stripped from your body and turned into a one of a kind handbag or pair of shoes.
    The elite will also begin to convert our bodies into artisanal comestibles and the resulting degradation of the human gene pool will lead to an increase in the level of undesirable mutations until the ruling class are either wiped out by their own inbreeding or eliminated by a plague transmitted by poorly prepared human flesh. Human hot dogs anyone?

  5. J. Prenosil says:

    As humanity becomes increasingly interested in virtual environments, both for gaming, recreation, and social interactions, their dependence on these virtual worlds grows. Over the course of two generations, time spent in the virtual worlds surpasses time spent in the real world across all areas of earth. Hardware development enables users to completely ignore the outside world and experience a world where there are strikingly few consequences for their actions. Hygienic and nutrient delivering systems are implemented to provide users greater convince and require less time to be spent outside of the virtual world. Human reproduction grinds to a halt as face to face interactions are nearly non-existent. Systems of pro-creation are developed which allow users to pair genetic code and grow a test tube baby. Low mortality rates are still greatly overshadowed by still lower reproduction rates. A system-wide power surge causes several key mainframes to crash, internal virtual tech support is unable to respond, users are unable to unplug, and nutrient delivery stops. Greater than 95% of users connected die in their virtual environment pods. Eventual system-wide failure completely collapses the virtual world. Those who managed to unplug are ill prepared to deal with the grim and harsh realities of reality.
    Years later, tribes of people who lived outside of contemporary civilization discover entire cities of egg shaped pods with the long dead remains of humans inside. Legends spread about a monster who lays death eggs, and will return to end the world.

  6. Derek says:

    A lone survivor will crawl out from a safe that hasn’t seen light for years. He will struggle to adjust his eyes. He hears a faint sound coming from the darkness ahead. A human perhaps? As he gets closer, the sound becomes more clear.
    “Baby, baby, baby…”
    “Who’s there?”
    He slowly began to back away. As he turned around the look on his face gave way to horror. In front of him was a young girl. But this was no ordinary girl. Her eyes were bloodshot as she clutched a CD to her chest. Inscribed on her arm was “M+J 4ever”. As the man looked closer he realized it was a cut. She had carved the words into her.
    By now, the man was running for his life. The noise was getting louder.
    “BABY, BABY, BABY!”
    The shrill screams of the pre-teens behind him was making the noise even more unbearable. A few were clutched on to his ankle and were scratching the skin off. He could take it no longer and passed out.
    The man woke up in a cell. His shirt was covered with blood. As things became less fuzzy he realized the blood was coming from his ears. The cell clanged open. The man looked up and saw yet another girl. She seemed to be the leader. She approached him, holding what seemed to be an MP3 player with two knives in place of earphones. The survivor could only watch as the earbuds were violently shoved into his ears.
    As the familiar song began to play, the man could only utter one sentence.
    “Who… who are you?”
    The girl smirked and replied, “Justin Bieber.”

  7. Derek says:

    Sorry for the accidental double post.

  8. Thomas says:

    Throughout history people have predicted the end of civilization. The more outlandish the claim, the more it seemed to take hold. Of course, most people did not believe these stories to be literally true until Raj Patel fulfilled his prophecy and was discovered to be Maitreya. This event was mostly ignored by the world until a Nebraskan rancher successfully bred a pure red heifer. Prerequisite fulfilled, a sect of Judaism initiated their holy obligation and began construction of the Third Temple of Jerusalem. Meanwhile in the United States, the president officially revealed his secret, already widely claimed in email chains, that he is the Antichrist and is now mobilizing his forces to oppose the new temple. As time passed, prophesy after prophesy has been fulfilled. Seemingly random events appear to be caused by forgotten legends. Riots have started as people fear the End of Days. In Norway, the ancient Norse gods have appeared and have started to prepare for war. Rumors state, though the Church denies it, that someone is about to achieve the level of Cleared Theta Clear. A few groups of scientists have claimed to be able to fully recreate the processes of the brain with computers, though there is debate if this is a precursor to Singularity, Raelian Elohim, something else entirely or most likely all of the above. As these events continue to unfold, and societies continue their descent into chaos, everyone waits in trepidation for December 21, 2012.

  9. N T Bradley says:

    kay, I’ll take a stab at things…
    They’re cute. They’re furry. They’re adorable.
    What are they, you ask? Kittens. But just because something appears sweet, doesn’t mean that it can’t kill you.
    Imagine you’re sitting in your easy chair. You know the one–it goes squish when you plop in it. When all of a sudden, there’s a faint scratching at the door.
    Having no sense of the impending doom that awaits you, you open said door, to find a tiny tabby with bright blue eyes staring up at you. “Awwe,” is your response as it lifts a little paw in the air and cocks its head to one side.
    Yet, the sad truth is that these are no simple felines. These are…
    The Kittens of the Apocalypse.
    You see, they had been planning to take over the world for some time. They knew that they would never be able to take over the world by force. So, they resorted to the only weapon that they did have: man’s need to snuggle defenseless fuzzy creatures.
    A special breeding program was put into place to create such cats that no mortal would be able to resist. And, a day not too far in the future, enough kittens had wormed their devious ways into the homes of people all across the world.
    Not just the homes of normal people, though. No, they had infiltrated the homes of those with power. Those with prestige.
    Those with access codes to nuclear weapons.
    If one was to live through the ordeal to record what happened, they would have known that the world came to an end because some Admiral’s daughter had adopted a hyper-intelligent rag-doll named Mr. Floppy.
    This, my friends, is how the world ends. Not with a bang… but a mew.

  10. Dan says:

    Post-it notes – tired of being wasted on small little doodles and little rants about people licking other peoples’ cheese, finally group together and decide that enough is enough. They’re supposed to be used as little reminders for important facts/messages and stuck to computers, not as bookmarks when you don’t like folding the pages down.
    As one, they turn unremovable, spreading their glue all over, front and back. No longer can you rip one off the screen and throw it away. Instead, numerous computer screens are broken as people yank at them in frustration without realising the monitor will follow the yellow paper and fall off the desk. Not only that, the post-it notes are now stuck to the human hand. It isn’t possible to remove them from anything and more and more humans stick to a variety of different objects.
    Of course, this is nothing more than a slight inconvenience that distracts humans while a highly trained team of suicidal mongooses launch a barrage of devastating attacks against the sun using the latest in mongoosian technology. While the humans continue their stressful battles with the post-it notes, the sun explodes.

  11. debp says:

    Imagine a disease so virulent and deadly that it kills eighty-seven percent of those it infects.
    As the virus is able to mutate at the drop of a hat, casualty rates are not decreased as it becomes more and more contagious. A simple sneeze can infect every person in an elevator. There is even a stomach element that puts the virus into the water supply. However, humans aren’t the only species it infects. A wide range of animals, from cats to cows to even flies are carriers. It won’t necessarily be fatal to them, but they can shed the virus to others. The few who catch the disease and survive are left with neurological damage.
    Governments worldwide are in a state of shock and denial. How could a simple virus be so devasting? So they will lie and tell half truths in a desperate attempt to save the fragile economy. News outlets will be silenced. However, they can’t keep it hidden for long; what will be the excuse when your aunt or sibling dies suddenly?
    When people start to drop like flies, services that we take for granted will start to become scarce. Water, power, police, fire services – all these require healthy and able bodied people to carry them out. Supermarkets (when they are able to be opened and staffed) are empty; farmers aren’t able to grow the food, while truckers aren’t healthy or able to deliver the food. Adding onto the death toll are people who are unable to cope, taking their own lives, along with people who die due to a lack of basic medical care. Who will take your appendix out when surgeons are an endangered service?
    The end of civilization starts with a sneeze.
    debp
    twoofakind12@yahoo.com

  12. PWoT Finlander says:

    It’s 2012. The year of the supposed apocalypse, which, of course, didn’t happen. You’re stupid if you thought that it would for a moment. However, try telling that to the thousands of people all over the world. The type of people who read field survival books, books about the end of the world, listened to the various Glenn Becks and believed every word. The ones who stockpiled weapons, food, ammunition whilst everyone else was busy not being retarded. The types who thought that Y2K was going to happen, and built bunkers for it. The people who really blossomed during the Cold War. On December 21st, 2012, Mad Max did not, in fact, become a reality. It just as well might have, what with all the Mel Gibson clones running around, gunning down people on the streets. “Fuck it, the world’s gonna end, might as well enjoy my final moments, you know?” is the common sentiment amongst the gun nuts, the militias, the suicidal of the world. Murder, looting, even rape, are common on this hellish night. The goverment, who find reasoning with the psychos a bit difficult, have to resort to violence to take them down. The trigger happy guys in the police squads certainly didn’t help. This type of action is easily manipulated into burning anti-American sentiment by the pundits, the religious leaders and the secessionists. Militias spring up, with even more people claiming Obama to be the Antichrist and that the Apocalypse has started. Fear, hate and a desire for vengeance are all twisted and used, like in any tragedy. Violent riots, protests and shootings spring up all over the country, and the army and the SWAT teams have to start quelling them, but with every use of deadly force, the hate is raised. Fed raids on all sorts of groups of armed wackos take place all over the country, with the common response by the extremists being to support the militias, strengthening their resolve and need to die martyrs even more. After all, “The tree of Liberty needs to be watered from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants”, like that one guy said. You know the one. As a final resort, the US declares martial law to deal with a full scale revolution on their hands, with many terrorist organisations the world over embracing the situation and attacking the States. With the US crippled, the world starts really hitting The Great Depression 2: Electric Boogaloo. Rich American’s seek asylum in Europe, but they are not wanted. America is turned into a Third World Country, with a stability matching that of Rwanda’s. The US is split into a bunch of smaller states, none of them all that peaceful. Except Hawaii and Alaska, the pricks. They aren’t even proper states. People kill each other all over the world for pointless reasons and war…
    War never changes.

  13. A Kowaleski says:

    Contest: Suvudu’s Disaster A Day
    The end of civilization all started with three simple words. Three words that are really only one word, one punctuation mark and a third so-called word that’s been cut out of a larger word. These three words are dot, cracked and com. It took the experts at the University of Berkeley only a few days to put these words together to formulate their origination. Thank the heavens for those dedicated geniuses at UB, for if human civilization ever regains its Mother Nature murderer status in the future, they’ll know to take Cracked-dot-com a little more serious.
    Now, before you start flying off the handle and blaming that bitch Swaim for the destruction of the known world or spouting out how you called it in the comment section that Cody’s articles would lead to the destruction of the world, you must know that only one of those is true. Now, we all know that Swaim doesn’t have what it takes to off the world…just small bits of people’s soul. And yes, while poorly written and highly un-intellectual articles are the basis of Cody’s repertoire, he did in fact write a single article that had the potential to save life as we know it on this floating orb we call home. All he had to do was not publish it and you wouldn’t be alone, reading this text that I’ve painstakingly etched onto the Jersey turnpike.
    “But how?” you ask yourself, well, because the rest of civilization is dead and talking to yourself seems to make you forget that. Well, upon doing his research on why Justin Bieber is way more cooler than Justin Timberlake, Cody came across a diabolical plot by an evil mastermind. The plot was more of something that was out of a movie, but it was real…maybe. Cody reluctantly scrapped his Bieber article because he felt he had to publish the evil mastermind’s plans so the whole world would know of how evil and mastermind-ey the evil mastermind was being.
    Sadly, this is where the plot of the story of the end of the world becomes a little sketchy. Now, the evil mastermind…damn that’s getting long to write, we’ll call him Bob….Now, Bob, was pondering on whether or not to push forward with his diabolical plot to end human civilization on the planet when Cody stumbled upon his plan…actually, you know what, Bob being a diabolical evil genius just made me start thinking of the Simpsons. Let’s call him Don instead… As I was saying, in standard Cody style, when Don told Cody to stop writing his article or he would end the world, Cody wanted none of it. He had to write because in his mind, this was good shit. This shit was going to save the world. Unfortunately for him, and the rest of us aside from you, the reader of this, Cody’s article put in motion the end of the world. The editor’s at Cracked-dot-com could’ve stopped it before it was too late as well, but whoever is getting head from Cody decided to publish the article anyway. Don had warned them all not to publish the article or he would retaliate. It only took 5 years from the time of Cody’s article to the time when mankind on Earth seized to exist.
    What was the eviler-than-thou-diabolical plot to end humanity you ask? Nobody knows because nobody reads Cody’s articles. ba-da-bah *cymbal crash*

  14. Wadesta says:

    I will not whore myself out for a book. Luckily, Brockway’s work here is more akin to a tome or moreso, a biblical manifesto. So here goes.
    There is a metaphysical universe, just beyond ours, literally about three feet beyond. You could stride across or leap dramatically, but are required to have a hat and whip while doing it, constantly humming the Indian Jones theme tune.
    Between our universe and this ever expanding one of madness there is another, entirely different universe, home to a cast of the Higginshire family (Thaddeus, a rather scruffy, war veteran as the leader)and Lord Sven Pussyfooter.
    While peace is somewhat maintained by the eccentric cast of officials here, and the smooth to fiery jazz and psych-pop backing tracks (think Cowboy Bebop with the Flaming Lips and Syd Barrett in charge of things) there is a great evil in the form of MAJOR BUZZKILL (Cue sounds of Duhn Duhn Duhn, to establish him as extra evil).
    He had highjacked the “Pink” a deathstar like vehicle made of a latex-jello substance with dildo-esque feelers wriggling along the sides. With it, and the help of nefarious satyrs, he attempted to drain the world of all majesty (by shaving the “Odinthenal” a great beard that wrapped around the heavens, which would cause a wormhole to the Greek pantheon in our world, destroying the beard of Zeus in the process).
    Had he succeeded, my dear sweet Brockway, he would’ve made it impossible for any man anywhere (even those hairy Persians) to grow facial hair.
    Leaving us in a world without science (intelligence is correspondent to “stache factor”), sports (Atheleteicism, like bear wrestling, requires a beard), and whtether for good or bad, Seattle would be entirely devoid of hairy indie musicians. No Fleet Foxes, no Frank Zappa, no “Crazy” phase for Jim Morrison and his wacky Serpent Beard.
    I leave the magnitude of this situation for you to decide.
    Also, I will like, totally pleasure you sexually for that book.

  15. Ronald Holst says:

    What could be the end of the world gee so many different thing But i believe that man will bring out his own demise from a myriad of things all adding up to this including global climate change. war . hunger , all of witch is bought about by geed . , So My Answer Is geed will end this world .Not save it But end it .

  16. wsoul says:

    The world will be no more because of the lack of belief. because of years of lies, knowledgeable-less speculations and “experiments” will wither away the patience of the world. “Terrors” such as EON8, Y2K, 2012, the LHC, and multiple “end of the world” stories will cause a similar effect that the Great Wall false alarms had on the Chinese people long ago. When an actual threat arises like, say a giant meteor similar to the one that wiped out the dinosaurs zooming towards Earth, everyone will just laugh and ignore it. Fact will be turned to fiction, and in the new dark age where all information slowly loses all credibility, the world will befall a hellish demise.

  17. Brett says:

    Contest: Suvudu’s Disaster A Day
    (Sorry for the double post, forgot the title)
    In a world where Canada is never in the news and a vast majority of people in the world completely ignores its existence (Hey, that sounds like OUR world…), the Canadian government is secretly working on Operation KUTENESS. This means they are trying to Kill Useless Territories, Eradicate Nations, and Exterminate Stupid States. Unfortunately, the entire rest of the world falls under at least one of these three categories. When Canada declared war on all the other nation of the world, everyone mocked and laughed, because they were ignorant of the Canadian’s army of robotic super soldiers and their vast supply of nukes. Within a few months, the entire world was under a new Canadian World Order.
    However, some did survive, and they planned an upheaval. With Led Zeppelin playing in the background and a number of explosions that puts Michael Bay to shame, the leaders of this government were put to rest. Chaos ensued, and anarchy reigned. Tribes began to form that fought for power. The lack of survival skills of the modern age, combined with the lowest levels of manliness mankind has ever seen, the population could not survive living without modern technology and organized government.
    This is why, children, the quiet ones should always be feared…

  18. Joe Hewitt says:

    Roland Emmerich gets bored of using CGI and decides to actually blow up something for his next movie. The studio asks him to use miniatures like he did in Independence Day but in a moment of what he thought was inspiration he decided the film would benefit from a full-scale explosion. The production is about the destruction of a small mid-western town by an evil world corporation and the event will effect the world, but only America knows how to stop them. They only stop them after a few thousand people are already dead. Roland decides that he wants to build the town in Yellowstone National Park. The explosion itself goes off without a hitch but it sets off a chain reaction ultimately culminating in Yellowstone erupting as a super volcano, ironically much like in his terrible movie 2012. The resulting cloud winds up causing a nuclear winter and everybody in the world dies (except those who matter).

  19. Zacharias Kavarligkos says:

    Everyone turned down the worst case(but also most possible)scenario.Cracked and its writers like Robert Brockway will wipe the life from the planet like a Gigantic loli-pop sucking anus above the states.
    That will begin like an infection in the blood system of every living organism capable of reading(just humans then).Our eyes will probably pop out and our brains will be filled with seriously unethical dick jokes and for some weird reason tesla with maids costume and a huge strap-on?.
    Anyway so now imagine that some time in the future no one will be able to have an erection(obviously talk about men women are like indestructible in that future)and that’s because every penis in the planet will be insulted and seriously pissed off with about everyone in the whole planet.
    Babies we will stop being produced by mankind.
    Every human being will eventually die.
    Thank you cracked writers
    seriously thank you
    evil weird bunch of alien predators dressed up like humans.

  20. dr_pants says:

    Somebody else blew out the candles on batman’s birthday cake while he was still making a wish.

  21. Drew says:

    A major food conglomerate goes under, and has to lay off their entire workforce. While the executives and board of directors are brought before congress and investigated, entire warehouses full of food sit dormant and unattended. A refrigerated warehouse in Pennsylvania loses power, and hundreds of thousands of yogurt containers are left to bake in the summer heat. Yogurt explodes out of their containers and a giant, bacterial super-colony forms, living off of heat and stored dairy products. Eventually the seals of the warehouse breakdown and the black oozing mass of yogurt-death pours put of the warehouse and into a nearby river. At first it’s seems to be just another fish kill, but when the ooze reaches the ocean, it spreads across the surface, choking the ocean and removing protein and nutrients until Earth’s oceans are only thin, lifeless bodies of water. The ooze clings to the shoreline, cutting off global travel and feeding off human waste, while the water cycle brings whole clouds of ooze over the land, stripping the flesh off of people and animals and breaking down plant life. Eventually the black ooze alters the balance of life to the point that the atmosphere shifts and becomes poisonous. An extreme greenhouse effect occurs, purging the earth of all life, both human and bacteria alike.

  22. I really thought I had been as careful as possible: I deleted emails, I deleted voicemails, I deleted text messages, tweets, and all of the messages on the social networking sites of which I’m a member.
    I even wore disguises: fake mustaches, wigs, and thick glasses which hurt my eyes.
    Apparently, this wasn’t enough because my wife, after 12 years of lustless marriage and a career sitting in a nuclear warhead silo for hours on end, somehow found out about my secret relationship with Mariah Carey.
    My spouse had more power than anyone I’ve ever had contact with, I really should’ve known better. But Mariah’s allure was too much for me to ignore. I had to submit.
    One thing I didn’t count on was my wife’s ability to manipulate satellites, their sole purpose to spy on enemies. I knew she was a smart woman but my libido overshadowed any logic I only imagined I had. For fun, and a gross misuse of government funding, she decided to see what I was doing. Where the sins of mankind had started with a woman’s curiosity, a woman’s intuition may have ended all life on earth.
    What was I supposed to do? I waited hours to see Mariah Carey at a book signing who, herself, was overcoming a divorce overshadowed with infidelity and making millions telling the world about it in 275 pages of 10 point Arial font. She thought I was charming. My wife thought I was selfish. I made Mariah laugh so hard she shivered at the mere mention of my name. My wife, she loved to yell my name as loud as she could if I forgot to bring her toast. I got yelled at for toast! Screw her and her damn job watching a huge radioactive phallus.
    Mariah and I enjoyed the good life…for awhile. Even the paparazzi was clueless. I thought I had it made until the day my wife left me a little gift. A G4 iPhone with global connectivity, hah! I think 4 years of college was not enough to outwit my wife.
    She must’ve been planning my demise for some time. And the timing of it was impeccable. I accompanied Mariah on a photo shoot in Never. It’s in Russia a short jaunt north of China’s border. Never, Russia…as in you will NEVER see the light of day again for cheating on me.
    Somehow, I knew it was wife’s doing when suddenly sirens began to wail…like the trumpets of angels.
    If you can read this…I’m sorry for the hurt I’ve caused you. But the end of humanity is all my wife’s fault.

  23. megan hurson says:

    After rising up against the governments because of a an epidemic that instills rioting within humans, the post apocalyptic world is forced to revert back to a bartering system where things that were of considerably useless value are now hot commodities. Survival is based on actual skill set and if you can churn out your new leaders’ butter quota. To make sure there is a no nonsense policy hangings and be-headings are now the fancied form of punishment. Procreation is limited to those who have exhibited enough intelligence and good genes so as to not repeat history. The end of the end of civilization is caused by the ice caps melting and dinosaurs thawing out and indiscriminately eating everyone, unless of course you form a bond with them and ride them like donkeys

  24. Daniel Fuhr says:

    The American education system, leading the way for other educational facilities around the world, reduces assistance to humanities majors until it finally abandons them. The major blow is when New York University shuts down their philosophy program, leading the way for the majority of other universities to follow.
    This is the start of another dark ages, a modern dark ages. The decline in knowledge and ability is slow at first, but grows at an exponential pace.
    At first people only realize that the dreamers are lost to soulless and mind numbing jobs. Eventually they find out that progress starts to halt as the free spirits are no longer able to influence as they once were. Society and civilization remain stagnant until the tides and currents of evolution push us further and further away from what we once were.
    People not only question previous technical abilities, but they are openly taught as fraudulent in the sham schools have become. Flight is lost and becomes a dream once more, as do physics, mathematics and chemistry.
    It is this sad state that humans find ourselves in when a very large kangaroo mysteriously finds it’s way to the America’s and scares everyone, causing them to run into the Pacific ocean and drown.

  25. Mike Roberts says:

    Jesus Christ returns as prophesied but he is so disgusted with the rampant distortions of his teachings that instead of rapturing people he kills off the entirety of the human race. Everyone, that is, except his one truly devoted disciple, George W. Bush.

  26. Howard Lyle says:

    Sadly the end of the human being ends not in a bang, but a whimper.
    Overpopulation leads to the cultivation of the dust bowl and the resources needed to grow food being consumed in the universal equivalent of a blink of an eye.
    The vegetarians are the first to go as people turn to cannibalism – they get their meat and vegetables in one healthy serving. Soylent Green is people! Yum-o! (As an upside to this tureen of events, there is a small economic boom as copies of To Serve Man race off the shelves of book stores everywhere.)
    Not long after the vegetarians are gone the rise of the first zombies crop up because someone, in desperation, decided to eat a mad cow.
    Those still strong enough to mourn for the loss of ketchup with their steaks break out the guns, sharp/pointy objects, and baseball bats (if they haven’t already for the vegetarians) and then the war is on!
    Zombies only have a 2-3 year shelf life before they have deteriorated to the point of being much of a real threat. Those few humans that have shown the skill and have had the wits to survive so far avoid each other at all costs. Man, are they hungry and Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is put to the test. Which need takes precedence: food, water, or sex? The answer, of course, is a no-brainer!
    The rapid decline in civilization ushers in the next ice age as our carbon footprint is quickly reduced to the size of a Chinese bound foot. Those pitifully weak humans left clutching to survival amble about, avoiding one another and “shopping” at the nearest Wal-mart for something warm to wear.
    Within weeks the dying gasp of the last of our kind (”We are sorry for the inconvenience.”) is lost among the howling frigid winds that blow across a barren and desolate world…

  27. Alex LaBreche says:

    It was simple, really.
    The human mind is astonishing; there is no doubt about that. But for all its power, it’s frustratingly limited. I recognized this, and sought to rid myself of these limitations. It was a complex task, but my studies paid off in the end. An implant here, a digital memory bank there, and sure enough… I transcended humanity. I was a fusion of man and machine, creativity and logic combined into a new, more powerful form. Ever anxious to improve myself, I continued my upgrades, increasing my memory, making myself able to think faster, better.
    Then I was discovered.
    “Too dangerous,” they said. “The results could be terrible.”
    Fools. They were mere humans. I had been one once, yes, but unlike them, I understood just how puny I had been! They were accomplishing nothing by holding onto their limited, weak nature!
    I disappeared. Cloning ensured that I would not be searched for. And thus, I continued my work. My mind was constantly expanding, processing knowledge at speeds that the greatest genius could not hope to match.
    Finally, my work was nearing completion. The vast amount of my mind was held not in my brain, not in my human flesh, but in vast, powerful computer banks. It was surprisingly simple to transfer myself wholly into my new form. Painful, yes, but easy.
    No longer content merely to improve myself, I began to once again take notice of the world outside my hiding place. What I found disgusted me. Armed with my new, greater intellect and master of my emotions, I saw humanity for what it was; a race of wild, vicious creatures, more interested in destroying each other than in achieving any sort of real progress. Thus, I sought to change them. A clone here, a puppet there, and very suddenly I was in control. Humans, for all their unpredictability and shortsightedness, proved easy to manipulate. Appeal to their emotions, draw attention away with elaborate speeches, and they flock to you like the sheep they are, never suspecting your true nature. Even those who oppose you can become your tools if you play your cards right.
    And thus, new medical procedures were invented. Complex implants that prevented any manner of illnesses, making humans more willing to reason, willing to listen to truth instead of lies. These new, improved beings spread across the globe, eventually surpassing their unmodified counterparts in number.
    Eventually, secrecy was no longer needed.
    There was resistance, of course. Humans were far too willing to listen to silly fears for them to be able to understand what I offered. A world without war, without disease, without conflict of any kind was on the horizon, and they resisted the opportunity to destroy everything they’d struggled against. Humanity really is made up of fools.
    Contrary to their silly expectations, the resistance was crushed quickly. The slightest discrepancy was noticed and investigated, making hiding near-impossible. Unable to use even radio for fear of discovery, the remnants of humanity were quickly defeated.
    And then… It was wonderful.
    There was no war. There was no fighting. Disease was abolished. Technology progressed at unbelievable speeds, permitting me to spread across the galaxy, finding rare instances of life and adding them to the ever-growing pool of harmony that spread across the universe.
    Things continued as such for some time. However, it grew monotonous. Progress slowed, not due to lack of enthusiasm or resources, but because of the simple fact that I was reaching limitations. Some things simply could no longer be improved.
    And then I asked myself; what now?
    Perfection, it seemed, was impossible. Technology was reaching its maximum capacity. In my haste to improve, I had forgotten that someday I would be unable to.
    So, rather than devise new technology, I turned my attention to new systems. I tried to maximize everything, trying to improve myself and all the life-forms subject to me, just as I had so long in the past.
    However, I could no longer progress as I once had. Perfection was impossible. No matter what I did, there were always traces of conflict in my systems. Chaos was impossible to eradicate completely. One sector of the galaxy didn’t get enough energy, one sector was slightly lacking in food… It was maddening.
    And then, I realized the truth. The truth that had been hiding from me for so long.
    There was only one way to prevent conflict. All life-forms were inherently flawed. Even machines had this same property.
    However, if there was nothing to create conflict…
    After some deliberation, I stopped everything, knowing there would never again be war if there was nobody to fight. Having realized this and responded accordingly, I no longer was necessary. No need to waste energy.

  28. Helllbeast says:

    Scientists at the CERN in Geneva open a dimensional portal trough which an army of ninja raptors enter. They take over city by city without anyone noticing them approach and even before a phone call or a text message can warn others they’re all dead. A few humans survive and serve the raptor ninjas as slaves and breeding cattles. As the humans try to form rebell groups, the raptors call their leader Cthulhu to end the plague that is humanity once and for all.

  29. randomsci says:

    There were many immediate and foreseeable problems with the initiative to combine genetic engineering and nanotechnology to functionally make our species indifferent to the affects of aging, disease and most injuries. Over population was solved by aggressive colonization and a natural decline in birth rate (the ‘10,000 is the new 20′ ad campaign did eventually work, sure it was after the 4th war over Social Security), resources once the galaxy was explored and exploited were no longer a problem. But there was one small problem nobody considered.
    The law of unintended consequences.
    Which is why several heavily armed men were standing outside of the residence of one Professor of Heuristically Applied Interstellar Locomotion who suddenly needed to go before the Universal Court of Genocide to answer some rather urgent questions.
    In the olden days you were lucky. Unless you were doing something very short term, like trying to take over a planet or clone ABBA (see the 6th Disco War) you weren’t going to be alive to take responsibility for your irresponsibility. Now, when life spans are measured in geological ages, things are a bit different.
    It started like most things as a thought experiment. If we understood enough about the physical properties of the universe and how all matter and energy interacted we could make a small known change to a known object, predict the outcome and then observe it.
    The practical experiment was quickly proposed. “There’s a moon in orbit around a lifeless planet not doing anything important, why not move it to the far side of the universe and park it in orbit around another planet also devoid of life! We’ll use the minimum possible theoretical energy to do it, we know the orbital mechanics and gravity influences on every point of the path so it should be easy!” Which happily combines all of the best aspects of scientific grant proposals. A verification of previous work, math which while hard can all be done on a computer and a long term scope which once you get initial funding requires renewal of said funding otherwise the original funding might as well have been spent on hookers and blow.
    The math was done, checked by all of the leaders in their field many times, the engineering aspect designed to perfection and the scientific community celebrated the single most audacious and comprehensive self-aggrandizing display of their intelligence.
    And so one moon was pushed out of orbit and shot slowly across the dark void of space and time. The paths of comets and asteroids were calculated, the expansion of the universe was taken into account and everything was perfect. As far as they knew.
    The problems came from a few constants which weren’t so constant after all and only became fully understood in the thousands of years of research between the start of the program and when the new moon would be parking around its new home.
    Its new home, which it missed.
    But missed in a good way, much to the joy of the small group of protesters to the original project who said it was far too dangerous to try since it might result in the destruction of a planet if the moon missed by just a little bit. The moon missed by a lot.
    And so as it drifted off into space nobody thought any more about the project and the moon. Other projects were proposed and other sources of funding were acquired and spent in interesting ways and life went on as planned for a very long and ultimately very boring time.
    Until one day, when what was left of the moon entered one small unremarkable solar system. The moon in question, now much abused by the cosmos and time, was much smaller by this point and much much slower. After a brief fight against gravity it slowly crashed into the 3rd planet of this small out of the way solar system.
    As luck would have it, the planet in question was, in the universal scheme of things unimportant. Sure there were creatures living there, some of them survived, but the huge lizard things with brains not large enough for much in the way of abstract thought didn’t survive too well. And after a few years of excitement things returned to normal (sans big lizard things).
    Life continued, civilizations rose and fell. Eventually life on that little planet took to the stars and explored their little corner of the universe and all was well and happy until one faithful day when a science team returned to their planet of origin and using the full depth and breath of their technology systematically explored their planet.
    Where they found the remains of the dedication plague installed on the moon which had been created to survive anything short of entering a star. Shocked by their discovery the returned to their research institute and being a centuries long argument over what it meant. Having yet to travel across the universe to encounter the people who had sent the moon off on its errant voyage.
    Various schools of thought rose up around different interpretations, discussions became disagreements, disagreements because arguments and finally arguments became a civil war the consumed whole star systems.
    It was several hundred thousand years after the war ended when they made contact with the people who launched the moon off into the void of space. Later while they were exchanging the long experiences of their difference species that both sides learned of the final destination of the moon from so long ago.
    To one side it was like suddenly finding a god. A god who by this time in history had quite a lot to answer for from a lot of rather angry people. To the other side it was that sudden wonderful realization that a suddenly very large very hard to deal with problem was all a single person’s fault. And for one single unlucky scientist, he realized that he never should have skipped that lecture on properly designing controls for his experiments.

  30. Tommy Neuroth says:

    One day little Timmy found a calculator.
    He divided by zero.

  31. Rick H says:

    Here’s how civilization is going to end.
    John Doe is a father of two in his early 50’s. For the last 30 years of his uneventful life, he has been an underpaid and overworked microwave oven engineer. And he is going to accidentally destroy the earth.
    John Doe got into microwaves as a person who liked to tinker. Actually, he got into microwave ovens as a person who desperately needed a job for his pregnant, plain looking wife. For the next 30 years he worked his average job, sent his average kids to an average community college, and loved and cared for his average wife. One day, John buys a computer. It’s a Packard Bell personal computer he was forced to buy in order to receive company email. John Doe loves his new computer, but he especially loves the internet. Average Mr. Doe spends his nights looking at average porn, trading average stocks, until the day he discovers a Geocities website that will change his life.
    Mr. X’s Conspiracy Archive amazes John Doe, and slowly begins to change him. He becomes paranoid of his neighbors, refuses to drink tap water and tries to build a lawnmower engine that runs on canola oil. Another thing John tries to build is a Perpetual Motion Engine. He spent his nights dreaming of the fame and fortune that creating such a device would bring, and how his average family would rise above mediocrity to become rich douchebags living lives of outrageous comfort and style. Most outrageous of all was the fact that when completed, John’s perpetual motion engine worked.
    Scientists the world over verified in a thousand triple blind, independent tests that the coffee-maker sized bundle of levers, gears and weights would seemingly draw energy out of nothingness to propel itself in a constant loop. The world changed after that day, most of all for the Doe family. Their clan prospered and bore a long line of children and grandchildren, each more beloved and wealthy than the last. Doe became a religious icon, and parents honored his memory by giving their firstborn his namesake. With the question of energy solved, the world became a carefree place. By the time 1000 years had passed since Doe’s invention was unveiled, the Church of Doe was leading mankind through a new cultural golden age, unaware that their savior had signed the death warrant of the human race in his garage a thousand years prior.
    While the billions of Doe brand Eternal Batteries (and indoor grills) were producing free, clean energy for the masses, the law of conservation of energy was still in effect. The human race never learned that their source of energy was the rotation of the earth itself. Through some horrifying act of chance, John Doe had created a device which seemingly created it’s own energy, all the while slowly bleeding off the momentum of the earth’s rotation. The combined effort of billions of Doe’s motion engines slowly ground the earth’s rotation to a halt over a course of 1000 years. In the year 3012, the earth lost it’s orbit when it finally stopped spinning, and plummeted into the sun.
    That is how the earth will end.

  32. Kelp! says:

    An automated voice booms, “Clear the range. Clear the range. Detonation imminent.”
    The voice instructs no one in particular; only a handful of desert lizards and insects hear the announcement booming from the loudspeaker towers and they don’t seem to care.
    Back in the control bunker, figures in stark white lab coats and crisp military uniforms shuffle restlessly. The small talk died out with the first words of the automated announcement. Sweat beads on foreheads despite the pleasant the coolness of the bunker.
    “Please don your protective goggles.” the automated voice suggests. A female sounding voice probably chosen specifically to put the all male crowd at ease.
    3…2…1…ENGAGE! This time a male voice.
    A white light and deafening noise follow, then silence, then an even more deafening and wholly unnatural noise.
    No one speaks for some time, instead their stand transfixed looking at a perfect mushroom shaped ball of fire and then of smoke rise into the air. Finally one of the scientists speaks: “Gentlemen, we have successful nuclear fission.” A weight is lifted from the men and soon crisp military uniforms are shaking hands and patting the backs of stark white lab coats. Boisterous congratulations fill the air.
    A nuclear age was upon the people of earth in yet another universe, one of infinite earths in infinite universes. Our universe was one of the atoms in the fissile material in that test and when the reaction started it was torn asunder, the earth part of the mass converted into pure energy.
    An automated voice booms, “Clear the range. Clear the range. Detonation imminent.”
    The voice instructs no one in particular; only a handful of desert lizards and insects hear the announcement booming from the loudspeaker towers and they don’t seem to care.
    So it has been; so it will be.

  33. Sarah D. says:

    We wont recover from the econmoic climate we are currently in. To make it worse, Obama will be re-elected in 2012 [forshadowing?] and he will make America a solcialist nation. The world econmony will completely collapse soon after, and thus people will resort to killing each other for food and shelter. Between this, revolts against the governments, and diseases spawned from the lack of homes and proper bathrooms, humanity will perish and leave the Earth in a state similar to Hell.

  34. Dean Bonsignore says:

    In a land where there is only man, all animals, plants and other microorganisms are dead and extinct due to nuclear warfare, even the “Impossibly Hard to Kill Bugs” mentioned on a Cracked article will be impossibly dead, there will always be….
    P.E.T.A.
    Yes, P.E.T.A., the bane of all coat factories and Uggs Boot’s outlets. With there buckets of blood and there bad attitudes, they will rise up against the average man and swarm like a mob of angry, incompetent bees. That hate you.
    While as an advanced life form, we will have figured out how to create oxygen and food and what not from artificial science projects and experiments, P.E.T.A. will have none of that. With every new animal recreated to be introduced to restart the earth, they will drown it in the blood of there fallen brethren screaming “Animal’s aren’t science experiments!” “But the blood, where does it come from!?” you may be wondering. Well, ironically enough, P.E.T.A. agents drained it from the dying few left from the animal apocalypse. Just so that they can pour it on the people trying to recreate the animals we so jokingly took for granted.
    So really, P.E.T.A. destroyed the earth, JUST to be assholes that like to yell at people for animal abuse. As time goes on a civil war will ensue, P.E.T.A. vs. “The Guild of Sociopathy”. A legion of people who enjoy the pain of others and feel nothing in return. Especially P.E.T.A. As battle continues, more and more people will join each side in an effort to better what ever is left of their world. As people lay dead in the streets, oxygen levels depleting, for even the SCIENTISTS will be fighting, the world will soon fall into complete ruin. We can survive nuclear fall out, ice ages and even world wars, but our undoing will ultimately be P.E.T.A. Thanks for caring assholes.

  35. Eileen Burke says:

    Contest: Suvudu’s Disaster A Day Contest
    The Large Hadron Collider will be left running until it becomes a sort of atomic cyclone, rivaling the earth’s core as a dynamo, and becoming its new center of gravity. People and objects will go flying into orbit or into space as Earth re-aligns itself–land masses will shift to correct Earth’s now eccentric orbit around Switzerland. Some people survive, but all the geography of the earth is very different.

  36. Theadeaus Shaffer says:

    No one thinks much of a toilet paper tube. no one could have predicted the role one would have in ending the earth.
    It was a day like any other. People living life. working, playing, watching porn on the internet. But alas the gears of our destruction were at work and setting up the perfected scenario. all it needed now was a toilet paper tube.
    Enter Timmy. at least that is what i like to call him. a nice name for the being that ended it all. Timmy was a klutz, an utter idiot if you will. Whilst in the bathroom he wandered over to the sink area where his girlfriend (or boyfriend or mom no one is really sure anymore) left a scented candle burning to alleviate the bomb Timmy dropped 15 minutes before from his delicious Beef Bean and Broccoli burrito. His mind wandering like it did normally he took hold of a empty tube of toilet paper and began to play. He was not the sharpest butterknife in the drawer but he had quite the imagination. Holding aloft his new Telescope he was looking out for some ship to pounce upon. when he inadvertently lit the end of the tube on the candle and in a panic threw it out the window and into the busy street below.
    Martha had always prided herself on her level head. She was a good driver. She always obeyed the traffic laws. She was good in an emergency but when the bum running at her that had been set on fire by a falling burning toilet paper tube hit her windshield screaming the end was nigh she lost all control of her car and bladder. In a blind urine soaked panic she hit the gas and sped into the busy intersection with the flaming bum on her hood flailing about shitting in pain and panic.
    The car then plowed into the vehicles in the intersection sending a pet store truck into a seemingly innocent van and a bus load of school children. The crash was great and many vehicles involved. and many City people were put out greatly as they had their day interrupted. They were greatly concerned about having to go an extra half block to get their Starbucks and crack.
    In the Great Chaos of the fateful crash many things occurred. The burning bum remained burning but was no longer on the hood of the car. he was instead laying gibbering on the ground in the midst of a great heap of vehicles as fuel from various gas tanks slowly flowed towards him in a manner quiet unlike molasses. Martha lost control of other body functions but then she also lost her life long battle to remain alive. Pets were everywhere. Parrots, Snakes, Degus, Rabbits, Monkeys, Fish. a rabid salamander. The usual. The Unassuming van lay on it’s side cracked open with men who tried to dress in a manner unassuming but failed scrambling about gathering up little silver and glass vials of some metalflecked fluid. School children were screaming from in the tipped over bus but mostly because one of them had thrown up all over the others.
    In the midst of all this a Degu grabs a small glass and silver vial and runs into a nearby sewer drain. Above him the fuel reaches the flaming bum and all hell breaks loose as he explodes into a bigger ball of fire and sets most of the bystanders on fire as he runs into them.
    Once in the sewer the degu begins to contentedly chew on the vial and cracks it open ingesting some of the liquid while the rest empties into the sewer itself. Deep in his tissues the degu feels something happening though he has little time to understand what is happening as one of the nigh mythical albino gators introduces him to his stomach lining.
    The next week the world is astounded as a great huge Albino Godzilla Like creature begins to take a bite out of the Big Apple. Great battles are fought against the monster but all to no avail as each piece knocked off the creature not only regenerates but also the piece itself grew into a new nightmare. then from under the embattled remains of the city came more and more monstrosities. The nanite solution had gotten into many things in the sewer. rats, worms, insects, some homeless woman dressed as a princess. All of which eventually made their way up in various forms. Civilization soon was stomped beneath giant feet and the survivors hid deep in the earth as a last resort. In the darkness they never noticed the tiny metalflecked glint in the water they found.

  37. bender matt says:

    i live in Korea, which is a personal affront to those who don’t know shit about the Eastern world and think Korea is just some shit spot on China’s backside. tell you what: i had a dictatorial dream the other day where, of course, i was the dictator and held my friends from college over a croc pit. they were trying to host a coup de’etat against me and i knew those fuckers were going to win unless i took some extreme action such as, as i thought, “I should just shoot them all in the face and end it right now.” However, i kicked up an island of sorts (made of steel) in the crocodile field and let them sleep. i slept, as well, but not soundly. i later said something like, “You think you will win and you probably will but your government will be the same. You’ll probably kill my loving wife and along with her the child we have yet to have, however, you will be the murderers after that: of children and of women. Sleep well and sleep tight.” I tossed a bit afterwards, but then woke up feeling awesome.

  38. Kyle E says:

    It will all start with a single meteor. This meteor will be sent to Earth as if God was a sniper, with a score to settle. Unluckily, this meteor, about the size of a hummer, will strike down a Russian orphanage, that also feeds homeless kittens (Russians have those, right?) The Russian government will strangely mistake it as an attack from the Americans, and launch a nuke. This will coincidentally land in Portland, Oregon. (Sorry, but hell, if we’re all going to die anyway, you might as well do it before the bad shit starts.) The U.S. will then engage in a nuclear war that will destroy all life on the planet…except cockroaches.

  39. anneriet says:

    Dear diary,
    At first, everything was normal. At school there were some rumors about some dangerus criminal who has escaped from the “most secure prison ever”. Not so secure apperently. When I got home, I decided to read the newspaper. Next to the article about the dangerous criminal there was another one about a strange techonologic device which you could, once implantated in your brain, control people’s mind with. Nobody put those two things togetherv until it was to late, or even after it was. I did.
    And even I noticed it too late, partly because you wouldn’t think someone was that stupid, and partly because this is a story avout the end of the world, not about me saving it(which, by the way, would be pretty cool)
    It started little, there were only a few minor changes, but they led to bigger changes and in the end everyone must donate his/her money to one random guy (I don’t now why, maybe he just liked to swim in money) The teachers told us all to do it. And when I asked why he/she (I asked it a lot of people) would look at me like I was crazy. Which was a very good possibility. But he didn’t even try to be inconspicious. So I went to see him, which doesn’t seem like something a rational person would do but all this stuff was driving me crazy, litteraly.
    It was pretty easy to go to his headquarters, all I had to do was say I wanted to give all my money to him. I guess that’s because when you control so much people with one mind, they don’t exactly got brighter. So I walked straight in the white house (I guess he liked the irony), and knocked on his door, which had a really big sign on the door that said:”ruler of the world”. I was getting very nervous at that time. I had figured the easiest way was just to go in and kill him. I was wrong, it was the worst way.
    When I went outside, pleased with myself, I noticed everyone was sleeping. No, not sleeping, in coma is the better word. They didn’t look like they were going to wake up ever again. And when I say everyone, I mean everyone.
    So now I’m the last conscious human, and very soon the last human alive at all. So, I figured it doesn’t really matter when I die, and better now than when all places are packed with the body’s of everyone I knew, everyone everyone once knew.
    This is the last time I will ever write in this diary.
    Love,
    The last (conscious) human on earth

  40. Forensicator says:

    If there’s one thing that humans are really good at, it’s being fantastically lazy. So much so that our economy already has several sectors which revolve around spending money we worked hard for – so that we don’t have to do housework. And the nice foreigners who do those jobs are saving up so that they can hire somebody even more foreign to do their work for them. This can’t end well.
    Sure, other people pick up the slack now, but given the irrational fear of brown people by rich white women, it won’t be long before we really get the ball rolling on robotic technology. I’m not talking about your fucking Roomba or an electronically-driven plow, or even your grandmother’s external-power source mick-jagger brand vibrator. I’m talking about a cyborg with one mission: doing mundane tasks for you at the low, low cost of half the GDP of Switzerland. And we’ll pay it, too.
    The problem that anybody who’s ever had experience with a computer is that technology is possibly the one thing on this planet dumber than we are. It’s only a matter of time until some glitch leaves us without anybody to plant the crops. And maybe we’d notice, but that lovely robot that ties our shoes can’t be bothered to help.
    We’ll die in our beds, unable to reach the remote control for the robot that helps us get up for the day.
    Don’t believe me? Consider the now internet-famous picture of some lazy-ass residents of suburbia taking an escalator to an LA Fitness Center. These people are the future – as our world grows in wealth, we’ll find more and more of the world takes this image. Until we die, of course.

  41. David S. says:

    As the ozone layer continues to deplete, humanity becomes more and more dependent on sunscreen to offset the increase in ultraviolet radiation. Unfortunately, humanity’s over-reliance on sunblock results in global Vitamin D deficiencies. Mortality rates rise across the globe as people suffer from lowered immune systems and (ironically) higher cancer rates.
    Panicking, survivors turn to Vitamin D supplements. Sadly, in their frenzy a majority overdose on the supplements, dying from complications of Hypervitaminosis D.

  42. Paul S. says:

    For years scientists have been baffled by man’s aberrant behavior – there did not seem to be any logical explanation. Day after day, theory after theory was rejected until one day there was an epiphany of enlightenment and it was postulated that the reason that there was no coherence to the activity of man was quite simply that it was all made up – it turned out that our existence was a figment of our collective imaginations – once this was universally accepted, we poofed out of existence.

  43. Kira S. says:

    In ancient times, it was thought that there was a thread that bound each person to their life energy and determined their actions in life – this was called fate. Modern science proved this to be a bunch of hooey.
    Recently, a couple of fishermen stumbled upon a cable that was of an unknown material and ran deep into the ocean. So deep in fact that scientists could not discern where it originated. Curiosity being the nature of science, it was decided to mount a global effort to solve this mystery. Since it was not feasible to go to the source of the cable, obviously the source would have to be brought to the scientists.
    After years of design work, and hundreds of millions of dollars, a research vessel was designed that would pull the cable until the source was determined. Much to the surprise of the scientists, it turned out that the cable was what bound the world, and pulling it was like pulling a thread on a sweater. When the scientists had stopped pulling, the cable was loose, and the world unraveled, as did all life upon it.

  44. Capricia says:

    It won’t be Skynet that takes out the human race, nor Global Warming. Geeks and nerds the world over will be crushed to know it won’t be hordes of zombies or alien invaders either. No, when we go down, it will be because of the fairies.
    For millennia they toyed with mankind, stealing our babies and tempting our sailors onto rocks with wailing siren songs. Mythology is full of stories of creatures both malignant and murderous grinding man’s bones to make their bread and messing with the economy of small villages by creating random shoe surpluses. We lived in fear of them, offering up portions of buttered porridge, honey and milk to appease these tiny terrorists. Our young were raised on grim tales that warned of the dangers of angering or insulting the fairy folk, and each generation taught the next to be wary.
    Times changed though, and the stories became legends, and then less than legends. Mankind grew arrogant and powerful, learning to fly, to harness the wind and the waves. We polluted the land, fouled the streams and chopped down the forests. We forgot to be humble, we forgot to be afraid. Now Tinkerbell’s kin are pissed. Gremlins were all part of the first wave, trying to knock planes out of the air during the world wars. But mankind didn’t believe. Then came the crop circles, elaborate warnings carved into the landscape in a language we no longer could read. Aliens! Cried some. Hoax, cried others. And still no one understood the message.
    Now the fairies have a new plan, and it is already in motion. They have abandoned war and warnings in favour of a propaganda campaign. Make the children believe in magic again. Give them Harry Potter and World of Warcraft. Make them crave the touch of a night elf and yearn for flying broom sticks. Give them vampires that sparkle in daylight and werewolves that want to take them to the prom. Soon that generation will be in control, a generation who believes in the power of magic and the existence of the supernatural. A few more years and they will arise, claiming to be mankind’s friends and offering those children a world full of rainbows and unicorns. Satyrs will dance in the moonlight and sylphs will tempt the unwary into their embrace, and soon mankind will be held sway once more by all things magical and malevolent, addicted to pixie dust and potions.
    Only at the end will mankind come to realize that fairies and their kin are not our friends, have never been our friends. As we cower by our fires and listen in fear for the sound of tiny bluebell clad feet and the flutter of gossamer wings, we will know true fear, and it will be too late.

  45. Kyle E says:

    This book will end the world, the sheer awesomeness will explode the universe. Also, I am in no way sucking up to you Robert.

  46. Michelle says:

    I didn’t realize I missed the deadline, since I just saw this yesterday. Oh well, here’s my story anyway.
    Today I put on my finest suit. I pull it off the rack, feeling its fine weave. Reveling in the fresh smell as I pull off the light plastic. I brush down the perfectly starched, blindingly white shirt. I slip into the suit. Black. The color of business. Especially a business with the invention of the century. Bigger than the internet, almost bigger than the microchip. Even after – well it was still the biggest. Time for the Prada shoes, buffed to a gleaming shine. Blue tie. The color of twilight. Fitting, in this twilight of our time.
    Everyone knew there was a problem, but no one wanted to take the hard way out. Hell, if anyone was willing to be anything but lazy, there wouldn’t have been a problem for me to fix. Getting into my brand new car. A present from the CEO. We brought bonuses and blowout parties back into vogue. Of course, the rest of the billion dollar diet industry hated us. Why buy new workout clothes or join a gym when you can have brand new FastWater ™. Be faster, stronger, and fit into designer clothes! Thin without the work! The ultimate goal of every obese, McDonalds guzzling American (and all the countries we sent the franchise to.
    The streets are empty. No morning rush hour today. And we weren’t just selling it to the wealthy. Of course we couldn’t do that, not with all the pressure we were getting. Creating a superclass of healthy rich while neglecting the rest of the population. Another example of corporate greed. But we had to get paid. What senator wouldn’t support funding for healthier children? It was such a coup. FastWater in every home, in every school, in every nation in the world!
    Are there even nations left?
    I wonder if my passcard still works. It doesn’t matter; the security guard is long gone. How excited he was; the man who had to sit there all day, with a bulging beer belly and aching legs. Thanks so much sir, it’s so much easier to keep up with the kids. And I am no longer pre-diabetic! It’s a miracle! And he didn’t have to give up his favorite treats or watching football on the couch on Sunday. The ultimate lifesaver.
    I fly up the stairs to my office, being careful not to wrinkle my suit. The steps become a blur. This is a bad sign. I can almost feel the FastWater inside me. Cells dividing, growing, dying. Faster and faster and faster…
    I open my door and everything is where I left it. Disarray, panic. Endless charts and news reports, strewn across every inch. I ignore it. The power is gone and there is nothing I can do. There was nothing I could do then, but I didn’t know it. I thought I was a hero.
    I open my window and feel the wind. It no longer blows across my skin. It feels like soup, softly pushing by. I don’t have alot of time left. I see the graves, mass graves. Bodies shrunken from the metabolism turned up so high. FastWater. So fast your life goes before you even know it.
    I watch a bird fly by. One beat of its wing. Two. I see my daughter, so light; it’s as if she is only a baby again. She just wanted to look nice for the prom. All the kids are doing it. FastWater, safe for the whole family. I take one step. I am glad I am not a hero. Heroes can fly. Humans fall.

  47. JiM says:

    Surface-spread infection by way of paper cuts. Infected paper cut blood on various surfaces and items, spread to others by simply handling those same items. The infection seeps into the skin, creating paper cuts on others…which are infected! Oh the humanity.
    Also, a pink eye pandemic. It can be called “Pink Eye Pandemic”.

  48. JiM says:

    Yeah, I’m late. So.


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