How we think the fight will go
The torture chamber deep within Barad-dúr was not a happy place. The sound of screams filled the air as orcs hurried to and fro, dragging corpses behind them or rushing about with sharp blades and vile devices. Everywhere the stench of decaying flesh hung in the air like a plague. Orcs scuttled into their nooks and hiding places when as the Dark Lord strode into the chamber.
Flanked by his orcish entourage, Sauron headed down a dimly lit stairway that led to the deepest, darkest chamber in the entire fortress. It was here that he kept his most dangerous prisoners, including the prison’s newest arrival: a strangely dressed human answering to the name of Professor James Moriarty.
Without a word, two of the orcs trailing the Dark Lord broke off from the group and began unbolting the locks of a large, steel door. After much grunting and cursing, the final bolt fell off and the party entered the small chamber, stopping before the man who was bound to a very uncomfortable looking chair.
“Ah, if it isn’t the Dark Lord of Mordor himself! It is an honor and a privilege to meet one so evil as you, my lord,” said the professor, smiling broadly, “To what do I owe the pleasure of this little visit?”
Sauron took one large step forward, towering over the puny human, armor glinting in the dim light of a few scant torches. In his right hand was a massive mace, etched with the runes of the Black Tongue of Mordor, and around his finger was curled the One Ring of power, pulsating with an evil glow. Though it was slight, Moriarty shrunk back a little in his seat. A smaller figure, who may have once been a man, stepped out from behind Sauron and spoke.
“Silence, vile human! You are fortunate that the Dark Lord has not already delivered you from life. Sauron, Lord of Mordor wishes to know one thing before he ends your wretched life: how did you, a mere mortal of no discernable strength or intelligence, expect to defeat one so powerful?”
Moriarty smiled and chuckled softly to himself. “My good man, I wonder if I may answer your question with another question: how did the good Lord Sauron enjoy the “gift” from the ruler of the Harad tribes of the South? Specifically the wine—was it to his liking?”
The orcs and other servants looked at each other, confused. But at that moment, Sauron began to sway as if intoxicated, reaching out to stabilize himself on a nearby stone figure as the mace dropped from his hand with a ground-shaking clang. Bent over, the Dark Lord was visibly weakened by something. Orc servants stared in shock; none dared approach the huge figure.
Moriarty laughed and continued, “You see, I know Lord Sauron would have been impossible for me to defeat in single combat. I happened to learn from my spy network that a certain Harad leader would be preparing a tribute for Lord Sauron, so I had the wine poisoned with a concoction so vile that even our dark and terrible friend here could not hope to survive it! Once again my genius reigns supreme!”
An unearthly sound filled the small room, echoing first throughout the rest of the torture chambers and eventually in each and every room of Barad-dúr itself. It sounded like massive stone pillars splitting in half mixed with the hollow screech of madness—
Sauron was laughing.
The Dark Lord pulled himself up to his full height, blocking out what little light could be seen. “Fool.” A deep and evil whisper crept out from the huge helmet, “The look on your face when you thought you had won was most amusing.
“Did you really think your pitiful attempts would even affect me? I do not eat and drink. But I will be happy to consume…your soul!”
Moriarty’s grin quickly changed to a look of abject horror as the massive gauntleted hand wrapped around his head and began to squeeze. The scream barely escaped Moriarty’s lips as the Lord of Mordor turned his head into jelly.
Predicted Winner: Seriously? Sauron, duh.
NOTE: THIS MATCH ENDS ON THURSDAY, OCTOBER 28, AT 3:00 PM, ET
Sauron is a character from The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien; Professor James Moriarty is a character from Sir Arthur Conan Doyles’ Sherlock Holmes stories.
Sauron image courtesy of New Line Cinema. Professor Moriarty image courtesy of Wikipedia.org.