How we think the fight will go

“Well…this blows.”

Bender looked across the room at Lord Soth, wishing he still had that magical d20 from Bender’s Game. Unfortunately, he had to clear out his chest cavity for some looting he had planned on doing, and so it sat at home, being glared at by the head of Tone Loc.

And now he was stuck here, in this strange room with no exits. The only thing on the wall that gave an indication of where they were was a neon sign that simply said:

SUVUDU CAGE MATCH

Most of the letters were now burnt out, and it simply read:

S CA M

The knight said nothing. In fact, Lord Soth hadn’t said much of anything since appearing in the room and immediately whispering “Die!” at Bender. When nothing happened—nothing except for Bender lighting up a cigar—Soth was at a loss.

“That usually works,” he muttered.

He attacked with his sword, but the robot had simply grabbed the blade and bent it into a pretzel shape.

“Who are you?”

“I’m Bender, baby! You know, you look familiar—I had an uncle with the same metal-working. You wouldn’t happen to be joust-bot from Medieval Times?”

“I am Lord Soth, a Knight of the Rose.”

“Sounds lame.”

After that, Soth had gone silent.

Bender, not one to sit back and take a sword to the face lightly, pulls out a ray gun and attempts to blast the knight to the Abyss.

But nothing happened other than a slight narrowing of Soth’s eyes.

That was about 3,000 years ago. Normally a death knight would have no problem engaging any foe, but Soth was used to said foes being alive. And while Bender walked and talked (and sang and danced and smoked and drank, much to Soth’s annoyance), there wasn’t an actual soul for the knight to destroy.

And so they were stuck there.

“This is intolerable,” Soth said, the eons not changing the chilling nature of his voice.

“You’re telling me, meat bag. I’m running out of booze!”

Booze. It was always booze with the mechanical man, Soth thought. At first he had feared the robot’s love of wine, as it allowed him to breath fire. It wasn’t the danger that worried him, but rather the screams he heard in his mind of his beloved dying in the Cataclysm.

But now he was just bored of hearing about this alchoholic’s problems. If only this was a gnome’s invention, for then it surely would have exploded by now…

Bender took out a bottle from inside his body and tried to pour the contents down his throat. Nothing came out.

“Aww…I’m out.”

“So it would seem,” Soth said, drier than usual.

More time passed, and the only noticable change was Bender’s mood had begun to sour.

“You know what, jerk-wad? You can bite my shiny metal ass!”

The knight looked at Bender with his impassive glowing red eyes.

“It doesn’t look all that shiny to me.”

Bender spun his head around, but couldn’t see his behind. Unscrewing his head from his body, he held it behind him to take a closer look. Sure enough, the sheen seemed to have gone from his butt. In fact…

“Rust!” he gasped, putting his head back on.

“Even the lowliest Solamnic squire would know better than to let his armor get in such a condition.”

“Lowliest salamander? What? It’s not my fault—I need alchohol.”

“Need?”

“Yeah…I…” The robots words started to slur, and a distince five o’clock rust shadow began to show on his face.

The knight said nothing.

Slowly, the robot descended into alchohol withdrawal, crying and cursing all of his loved ones—specifically mentioning Zoidberg twice. As the power drained from his body, Bender could here the lyrics of “I Will Wait For You” echoing in his mind.

“I’m boned,” the robot sighed.

“Est Sularus oth Mithas,” Soth whispered, raising his pretzel-sword in salute of a the somewhat worthy opponent.

And yet nothing happened. It possibly had to do with the beeping sound coming from Bender’s chest. Soth walked over and opend the door to the robot’s body, to come face to face with a clock counting downward.

The clock was attached to something Soth had never seen before, a tangle of wires and metal. Strange writing etched into it simply said:

Property of Pr. Farnsworth.
Doomsday Device C

The clock hit zero.

---

Predicted Winner: Lord Soth (I mean, he’s already dead, so he really can’t be beaten, but there’s no way Bender doesn’t take out a solar system when he goes)