SF & Fantasy

Cage Match–Villains!: Starscream, Cobra Commander, and Skeletor

Courtesy of Sunbow Productions/Marvel Productions

Courtesy of Sunbow Productions/Marvel Productions

Cobra Commander/Skeletor/Starscream

Age: Old Enough to Not Be Such Crybabies About Everything

Race: Whiny Bitches

Weapons / Artifacts: Various, from the Skeletor’s wicked Havoc Staff to transforming into a jet to cloned dinosaurs, but chief among them are egomania, backstabbing, sarcasm, evil laughter, taunting, and epic supervillain monologuing

Special Attack: When their elaborate world domination schemes (inevitably) fail, tag team wrestling moves like the Doomsday Device

“Retreeeeaaatttt!”—Cobra Commander

An objective reviewer of the collective accomplishments of Starscream, Cobra Commander, and Skeletor in their classic 80s incarnations might conclude that no other candidate could possibly have less of a chance of making it through this tournament. Indeed, that Suvudu might agree with this reasonable conclusion is suggested by the fact that we have allowed these three bumblers to form a tag team.

Courtesy of Sunbow Productions/Toei Animation/Marvel Productions

Courtesy of Sunbow Productions/Toei Animation/Marvel Productions

After all, just look at their body of work: Skeletor is a brilliant dark sorcerer with a seemingly infinite array of black magic at his disposal…and yet he failed to defeat a certain muscle-bound hulk with a Prince Valiant ‘do. Starscream—despite the pretty formidable ability to transform into a fracking jet—chose instead to devote all his abilities to undermining Megatron’s leadership instead of defeating the Autobots. And Cobra Commander, with all the basically unlimited technological resources of COBRA at hand, tended to exploit these resources to do things like carve his face on the moon.

But these three can beat many of the other contenders on one level: pure supervillainy! They’re prissy, preening, narcissistic, and psychotic. They’re megalomaniacs for whom no world domination scheme is too bizarre or absurdly ambitious. Indeed, their sheer combined weirdness—seriously, miniaturized troops stowed in Christmas presents, Cobra Commander?—makes them a completely unpredictable force. And for them, the price of victory—be it the lives of their so-called allies or their not-at-all-precious dignity—is never too high!

Courtesy of Funmation

Courtesy of Funmation

Want Skeletor/Cobra Commander/Starscream in the Cage Match? Then vote here to include them!

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