The Contestants |
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The Breakdown |
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Advantages
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Disadvantages
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Kills
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Kills
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How we think the fight will go
Morrolan e’Drien teleported to the agreed upon location. He had been briefed by his head of security, Vlad Taltos, and had no reason to feel anything but supremely confident.
His first opponent would fall easily. He was some treacherous and deformed Easterner, exiled by his own people. There had been no intelligence on him in months, and last they’d heard he was on the lam after murdering his own father. A wide smirk crossed Morrolan’s mouth as he considered the pleasure he’d take in running this wretched creature through with his great sword, Blackwand. There would be no reviving Tyrion Lannister once he’d removed him of his head.
Vlad has assured him that his first foe would present no difficulty. “It seems almost too easy,” he had warned. “From what we know, he is deformed and weak, possesses no knowledge of sorcery to speak of, no skill, is hundreds of years younger than you and maybe a third of your size. If this isn’t over in less than thirty seconds than you don’t deserve to be a Dragonlord.”
The day was crisp and perfect. The forest had great big trees which sat perfectly undisturbed by cloud or mist or breeze. Ascending the path to meet his “adversary,” Morrolan looked forward to returning to Castle Black and resuming his studies in Witchcraft.
Rounding a corner, Morrolan found Tyrion seated at a table. The chalice he held looked enormous in his small hands. His feet made swishing noises as they kicked the top of the grass, his gnarled, short legs unable to make contact with the ground. And he was ugly. He barely had a nose and what was left more resembled a scab than a human protuberance. The liquid he drank from his cup stained his upper lip red.
“For the love of The Seven!” exclaimed Tyrion Lannister. He swiveled his little hips on the bench, Dornish Red spilling over the rim as he squared himself to Morrolan. “Look at you! This is too perfect. I don’t know why they didn’t match me against someone a bit taller, just to make things good and fair! By the gods, you’re larger than The Mountain!”
“I am a Dragonlord.”
Tyrion eyed him closely, looking Morrolan up and down. “Bahhh. Another Dragon impostor. Your hair isn’t blonde and your eyes aren’t purple.”
“Excuse me?”
“And even if you were, my family has dealt with that kind before!”
“What?”
“You’re no Targarayen!”
“A Targarywho? What is this gibberish you speak?”
Tyrion laughed heartily. “Humblest apologies. I was having some fun at your expense. Us Dwarfs must take our amusements as we can. Care for some wine?” asked Tyrion, extending his own cup? “Come on! This is the good stuff! Plus, I’ve dosed it with enough poison to kill a mule.”
Morrolan’s expression grew dark and he withdrew Blackwand from its scabbard.
“Oh don’t get your undergarments in a bunch! It’s not like you’re the crippled dwarf who is about to die,” said Tyrion as he took another long swig from his cup.
“You’re a vile little thing. Even if you were revevifiable when I’m through, I doubt there would be anyone who cared enough to make the effort.”
“No, no. I imagine not. No father. No mother. No sibling that is particularly eager to see me alive. All I can hope is that one of the whores I’ve frequented along the way will shed a tear, if not for the loss of their handsome companion than at least for the financial hardship they are sure to endure without my patronage. Here’s to them!” Another large gulp. He swayed slightly on his perch, legs kicking in the air to retain his balance. Tyrion’s expression turned grave. “For all your height and apparent grace, you aren’t such a sight yourself. Your ears are almost as attractive as my nose.”
Morrolan snickered, but as confident as he was…something felt wrong. ”You seem very comfortable with a permanent death, little one.”
“Yes, well, where I’m from, the vast majority of deaths are permanent. And while you and I have been having a gloriously witty exchange, I must reveal to you that I don’t actually plan to die today.”
Tyrion snapped his fingers. Nothing happened. He snapped again several times and grew visibly annoyed. “Brown Ben Plumm, you idiot!” croaked Tyrion. “Bring him out!”
At that, several shapes emerged from the tree line just off the path to the right of the bench. At once, Morrolan recognized Vlad Taltos. Moreover, there was no mistaking the weapon being held to his throat: A Morganti Blade.
“What is the meaning of this?” roared Morrolan as he stepped forward raising Blackwand into the air menacingly. “Release him now or I will dismember every last one of you.”
Morrolan concentrated and tried to connect with the Orb, so that he may use his sorcery if needed. But his connection was blocked – the dwarf must have hired someone put up a preventative ward. He roared again in frustration.
“Relax, friend,” droaned Tyrion, bored with Morrolan’s display of aggression. “This can be so incredibly simple. All I want is to live. Give me your oath that you won’t hack me to death with that awful looking blade and I will happily return your friend.”
Morrolan’s eyes shifted from Vlad back to Tyrion. Something didn’t feel right. He made eye contact with Vlad and all he received in return was an apologetic shrug. Morrolan looked back at the dwarf. “These were not the agreed upon rules…”
“Rules!” laughed Tyrion. “Rules. In Westeroes, winning is what counts and following the rules are for dead men. You see my…lengthy friend, while I am far from your equal in swordsmanship or strength, I am quite adept in the art of survival.”
“And what’s to stop me from hacking you all to the death the moment you move those blades? An oath? We aren’t playing by the rules, remember?”
“A good question. I think the..,” Tyrion paused, appearing pensive. “Brown Ben Plumm, how many are there again?” he asked, holding up four fingers. “No—five? Six? Oh good, good. I think the 600 Seven Sons standing in the forest behind us should act as an adequate deterrent. He nodded to Brown Ben, who shouted a loud call in the direction of the forest.
A cacophony of war cries sounded back, so loud they could only have come from hundreds of men. Six hundred was believable. Morrolan wasn’t often caught off guard and he didn’t quite enjoy the sensation. He took a moment to calm himself. He could no longer allow this dwarf to throw him off balance.
“You brought an army? I should be honored. That’s a good 200 more than you would need to defeat me. From what we’d learned,” said Morrolan, eyeing Vlad angrily, “I didn’t think you capable of anything like…this.”
“Unfortunately for you, your timing is poor. Had this match occurred three weeks ago, I’m sure my decapitated head would have long since rolled down that hill. However, as it currently stands I’m far more valuable to the Second Sons alive than I am dead. Haven’t you been listening, friend? I am a survivor.” Tyrion clinked cups with the air.
“Alright, dwarf. You have my oath. Now release him and be on your way. My patience for this masquerade is nearly as thin as the air in this forest.”
The mercenaries released Vlad and shoved him toward Morrolan. The guards dropped the Morganti weapons and turned back into the forest. Vlad reached to the ground to secure one of the daggers. He turned menacingly but made no move to strike at his former captor. He looked toward Morrolan, who shook his head vigorously.
“What happened?” he asked. “Are you harmed?”
“No,” replied Vlad, “I am fine. I was ambushed outside of Castle Black. I was worried they had Aliera too…”
Morrolan turned to look at Tyrion, just catching sight of him as he disappeared into the forest. No gloating? No final, cutting witticism? It seemed uncharacteristic.
And just as a sensation struck him—the feeling that something was just not right—a blade entered his rib cage, just under his left armpit. Vlad wrapped his left arm around Morrolan in an embrace, bringing him closer to the pommel of the Morganti dagger.
Blackwand dropped from Morrolan’s hand and he could feel the Morganti magic devouring his soul. Though he was too weak to say it, his pleading eyes asked Vlad Why?
Tyrion Lannister emerged from the thick curtain of trees.
“Is he gone yet? Is it safe?”
“It’s safe, Imp,” replied Vlad. “Now uphold your end of the bargain. Give me Cawti. Return her to me now and let’s be done with this. ” He looked at Morrolan’s lifeless body and a look of grief swept over his face.
“First time murdering a loved one? You’ll be surprised how fast you recover.” The look in Vlad’s eyes said this wasn’t a topic Tyrion should pursue, so he hastily continued.
“Thank you for your services. Your terms of the condition have been met.” He signaled to the forest and Brown Ben Plumm emerged, holding Cawti by the back of her shirt. He pushed her roughly into the clearing.
At first seeing Vlad’s face, Cawti’s expression was painted with joy. Yet it took only a few extra moments for her to digest the full scene laid before her—Morrolan’s dead body and Vlad standing over him, a Morganti blade in his hand and covered in blood.
“Vlad, what have you done?”
“I couldn’t let them kill you. What was I to do? There was no other choice,”
“You shouldn’t…”
“Well,” interrupted Tyrion, “I’m sure you two have much to discuss and while it pains me to leave your company, I must be on my way. I have another match to prepare for and the next contender is likely to require at least as much cunning to defeat as that last bag of wind. Off we go Brown Ben. Let’s go see about those Dragons…”
Greg Kubie contributed to this Cage Match
Predicted Winner: Tyrion
NOTE: THIS MATCH ENDS ON THURSDAY, MARCH 8th, 2012, AT 5 PM, EST
Morrolan e’Drien is a character from the Vlad Taltos series by Steven Brust; Tyrion Lannister is a character from the A Song of Ice and Fire series by George R.R. Martin
Morrolan image courtesy of Ace Books. Tyrion image courtesy of Larry Rostant and Bantam Books
Cage Match fans: We are looking forward to hearing your responses! If possible, please abstain from including potential spoilers about the books in your comments (and if you need spoilers to make your case, start your comments with: “SPOILER ALERT!”
Thanks!
What a brilliant write-up! Go Tyrion!!
I think this write-up seems fairly plausible… I don’t know much of anything about Morralen, but based on the information we’ve been given, I’d say the outcome makes sense. But then the question is whether it’s fair for Tyrion to use his 600 some-odd sell sword buddies. I’m inclined to say it’s okay, since that kind of resourcefulness and trickery is kind of Tyrion’s trademark (which begs the question: when will Littlefinger compete in one of these?). I mean, \his mind\ is his listed weapon, not \battleaxe.\
If it was a straight up brawl…Tyrion would still find a way to cheat, even if he didn’t have an army. Hands down.
Tyrion couldn’t go three rounds with my favorite barista. And no way does Vlad fall for this scheme in the first place. Very disappointing to see this outcome, but ASoIaF will win out in most cases.
It’s a shame they couldn’t wait another book or two for Tyrion, I have a feeling by the end of the series He’ll be riding one of danys dragons. But ya anyone who has a disadvantage too honorable, and is going up against tyrion, it’s like an auto loose.
Great plausible write-up, but I think Morrolan would be more likely to win, as much as I love Tyrion.
The scenario is only plausible if we are all willing to forget that the CAGE MATCH takes place in the Starfleet Academy Holodeck. But sure, let’s give Tyrion access to everyone from Morrolan’s world! So much for the fact that it is a CAGE MATCH. Tryion might be the most conniving bastard ever put to paper, but he couldn’t turn on a light bulb, so I’m thinking that scanning for and then using the transporter to capture people from a world he has never heard of might be a bit of a stretch. The scenario above is weak-minded.
Ohh come on…this is as plausible as Loiosh shutting up.
I mean for starters Vlad wouldn’t stay outside Castle Black – he would teleport.
Second he can easily escape any such ambush(2 Jheregs anyone?)
Third he could tell anyone about what was happening with his mind(Morrolan included)
Fourth I do not remember Morrolan actually letting his guard down near anyone but his sis(no not even Vlad)
Fifth I believe Morrolan can take well over 600 men by himself(forget magic the soldiers are gonna run away after the first hundred get owned in seconds)
Sixth Vlad could have told with his mind people to port near his gf and snatch her away.
Seventh and most important – Vlad’s gf can pretty much do all Vlad can so they can’t catch her either.
In other words this ain’t happening
Even as a die-hard Brust fan I’m willing to accept this as plausible, though I think whether Vlad would go along with this deal might depend on where in the series we are. Though I also think Vlad is as cunning as I understand Tyrion to be, so I am unsure I buy that he wouldn’t swap daggers if he couldn’t find some other way to subvert things.
Plus, I thought having a great weapon like Blackwand meant it would protect you from other Morganti weapons. Am I mis-remembering that?
I’ll give you this one. I don’t think his wits will be enough as he moves deeper into the tournament.
Morrolan’s blade Blackwand would protect his soul from being eaten by a morganti weapon. Vlad could have just had him revivified later and killed Tyrion in revenge for grabbing Cawti.
May we please, at the least, avoid arguments of plausibility on this… it could get somewhat tiresome. However, i would like all the desperate conniving to remain within the idea of a cage match, that is, they are on their own. Just a hope, really.
The only interesting thing will be to see how much ASoIaF’s supporters can carry on supporting the cripple.
*spoiler alert*
As much as I love Tyrion I don’t think this scenario is plausible. Like others have said Blackwand would have allowed Morrolan to be resurrected. Tyrion being able to take on Morrolan, Vlad, and Cawti seems very unlikely. Hiring someone to block sorcery, ok, but Vlad and Morrolan still have witchcraft. Vlad and Morrolan, wielding two great weapons, with a highly trained assassin (Cawti) and the jhereg (where is Loioish?) could probably take on 600 soldiers, or at least find the sorcerer blocking their access to the orb and get out of there.
@Raki
The wizards of Suvudu actually said in their video in which they introduced the brackets that the fights don’t necessarily take place in the place described in that bracket. So it isn’t necessarily taking place in the Starfleet: Academy Holodeck.
Who /wrote/ this garbage? Whatever else is to be said about the matchup, the writeup is horrendous.
Nothing against the Imp but seriously now…Anyone who has read about Morollan knows how this should turn out…Did anyone forget that Blackwand can summon an entire army? (unused in the books, but mentioned) Still the write up was fun and Not everyone I want to win can.
No way would Morganti weapn kill Morrolan, A great weapon protects the Soul of the owner (That’s the whole first book).
Maybe Vald is just trying to make it look like Morrolan is dead?
Cawti could never be taken where pathfinder good not find her so Vald would have turened to Aliera to free her.
IF, and i mean If Vald would do this Vald would not rest till he killed Tyrion, if Sethra Lavode, the Enchantress of Dzur Mountain didn’t kill all of the Lannister’s First.
It’s unfortunate the voting is closed. I think there should be an exception made and Morrolan should go on after he is resurrected and proceeds to kill Tyrion. I mean really.
I just think too many people that know only Tyrion decided to vote without really knowing their opponent.
Oh, and if this is up to date with Vlad, ain’t NO way he would give in to a trap like that.
OK, let’s put all this in perspective… This story starts out with multiple misconceptions and unfair advantages/disadvantages that show that Tyrion is the author’s favored combatant.
First, Morrolan’s information comes entirely from Vlad (the man with THE best intelligence network in all of Dragaera) and all he comes up with is the fact that he’s deformed and killed his father? Really? That’s it? OK, let’s take that as “plausible”, the next one shows how the author unbalanced this fight in Tyrion’s favor…
Second, despite Vlad’s woeful lack of information, Tyrion (somehow) has knowledge of:
a) Dragaeran sorcery
b) That Dragaeran sorcery CAN be blocked
c) HOW to block Dragaeran sorcery
d) The means and connections to cast the necessary Dragaeran spells.
So, Vlad gets useless pitiful information (nothing about Tyrion’s underhandedness? nothing about his connections and possible allies?), but Tyrion gets in-depth knowledge about the function and intricacies of Morrolan’s MAJOR weapon (sorcery).
This is HORRIBLY unrealistic. So, let me tell you how this would go…
Tyrion gets all the information he is purported to have in the author’s original story, but Morrolan gets Vlad’s information network, which would tell him about a strange midget Easterner asking all sorts of questions about Dragaeran sorcery or, in the alternative, trying to make connections with the Left Hand of the Jhereg.
Let’s also assume that Tyrion is able to capture Cawti (not. on. your. life.), he would never be able to escape Dragaera with her. And there is no way that Vlad, wielding Godslayer, would be held at bay by a mere Morganti weapon. Period. Ever.
But assuming Tyrion DID escape with her and Vlad was blackmailed and held captive…
Vlad would have been able to telepathically communicate to Morrolan about the situation (sorcery blocks do not interfere with telepathic communication). Since Tyrion would have no idea when Morrolan was arriving, Morrolan would have arrived a little ways away from the clearing. He assess the situation, teleports to where Cawti is and frees her, then frees Vlad with Cawti’s assitance. Then they all three (with two, count them, TWO Great Weapons between them) utterly destroy every single non-Dragaeran within a mile radius.
But let’s even suppose that Vlad IS caught and DOES agree with the whole charade… Morrolan ON. HIS. OWN. is wise enough and crafty enough to be able to tell when there is an ambush. Even without Vlad, Morrolan would be able to tell that there was a sorcery block up. This would put him on alert the first second. He would not be caught unawares. In addition, even if Vlad was cooperating, do you honestly think Cawti would?
And even assuming that things progressed to the point where Vlad WAS standing next to him, preparing to kill him, Blackwand would have protected him and Vlad would have known that. “Kill” Morrolan with a Morganti while he’s holding Blackwand, revivify him after Tyrion leaves, THEN all three of them (with two, count them, TWO Great Weapons between them) kill every single non-Dragaeran within a mile radius.
Seriously, this story ignores EVERY advantage that Morrolan, Vlad, and Cawti would have in such a situation. Completely unbelievable.
Fun write up, but if this is a true cage match, Tyrion stands absolutely zero chance against Morrolan. Hell, not even Khal Drogo could beat him.
Clearly, you didn’t actually read Jhereg. In that very book, somebody wielding a Great Weapon survives death with a Morganti blade. Assuming Vlad doesn’t have Godslayer yet, if we are setting it right after the events of Jhereg, and assuming all of the other events are true (also unrealistic), then Vlad would stab Morrolan, get Cawti, wait until Tyrion leaves, and then get Sethra to revivify Morrolan. Which is a draw for Morrolan, but counts as a win for Vlad. And then Aliera, Cawti, Vlad, Norrolan, Daymar, and Sethra, and possibly also Morrolan, would go kill Tyrion, which with surprise shouldn’t be any sort of problem.